Is it really Christmas?

Busy times have equaled less than normal holiday cheer for little ole me. Anybody else having this problem?

Hubby just had his wisdom teeth out. It’s been a long three weeks since he first found out he needed this done. You would have thought he’d been told he was having open heart surgery. That walk into the dentist on Wednesday… sheesh. Like he was walking The Green Mile. Seems to be recovering quite nicely, though, and is taking it much better than I would have expected from him given his propensity for drama.

I found out on 12/11 that my official due date is June 27. This is perfect. I’ll squeeze the little booger out before the heat of the summer really kicks in. I was pregnant with Mini over summer 2006 and, like 95% of the homes in the NW, our house at the time did not have A/C. It was miserable. And considering our current house also is without A/C, the thought of NOT being pregnant in July and August is most appealing. Next big step – finding out the sex. Let’s all cross our fingers it’s a girl. Pray, do chants, fast, whatever you do…DO IT.

Finished up (sort of) some Christmas shopping today. By finished up, I mean that I bought all of the gifts I need to send back to Oklahoma. (Everything else can wait until the last minute, right?) I went a couple of places and didn’t have any luck, so I headed to my old stand-by: Ross. I got my nephew an Izod Windbreaker and a really awesome Nike shirt and my niece three shirts all for around $40. The windbreaker alone was originally $70! I rock the Christmas shopping.

What I don’t rock so much at? The details.

I thought I was sooooooo smart because I managed to bring a box from home to ship all my gifts in. After I finished up my shopping, I came back to the office to get my box. I put everything in the box, be-bopped over to the UPS Store, plopped down my $17 to get it there by the 23rd, came back to my desk….and discovered one of my nephew’s shirts and my niece’s birthday present (her birthday may or may not have been back in September) sitting in the floor.

I’m an idiot.

I'm hungry.

Here are things that I currently love:

1. French Fries with Mayonnaise. (I might have mentioned this the other day)
2. Taco Bell – not the Fresco menu which I usually can’t get enough of. Nope, it’s all about the Steak Quesadilla and the Double Decker Taco. If I could get them to replace the beans on the DDT with cheese, I would be in heaven. Next time, I will ask.
3. Burger King, Burgerville, McD’s. Yum. Yummy, yum, yum, yum.
4. Chips and salsa and Mexican Food in general.
5. Hummus.
6. Red Robin Cheeseburgers.
7. Anything chocolatey.
8. Iced Tea. Lots of Iced Tea.
9. Regular Coke. (Whattheheck?)
10. Milk (Whattheheck?)

Here are things that I am not currently loving:
1. Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, any Diet sodas in general. The thought makes me gag.
2. Bananas. Typically a staple of my diet, I currently have to choke the suckers down.
3. Broccoli. The smell kills me.
4. Spearmint gum. The taste kills me.
5. Chicken breast. Gag.
6. Cold sandwiches on regular or wheat bread.
7. Sun Chips.
8. Tomato Swiss Bisque (formerly my favorite soup)
9. Hearing people (i.e. Hubby) belch.
10. Flintstone Vitamins

All of this equals one thing and one thing only.

Introducing my uterus, and forthcoming second child, to the world. You were warned.

Oh, JHo

This morning when I heard the news about JLo’s big fall, I was so disappointed that I hadn’t watched the AMAs. Fortunately, I didn’t miss anything because they tried to dupe us West Coasters. Seriously, why edit it out? It’s not like it wasn’t going to go viral the instant that it happened.

I wouldn’t call myself a hater of JLo, but she is symbolic of much that is wrong with our world. She’s a mediocre actress (though I can admit to owning copies of both The Wedding Planner and Maid in Manhattan), mediocre dancer and even more mediocre singer, but is widely regarding as a “Triple Threat.” More like a Triple I-Could-Do-Just-As-Well-As-Her. And to add insult to injury, she’s to blame for the media and our culture in general for identifying celebrities by their first initial and the first syllable for their last name. I HATE THAT. Almost as much as I hate the use of “T” instead of t-shirt, “cardi” in place of cardigan, and “cami” instead of camisole.

That said, I was most excited to see the video of her busting it at the AMAs. I was really looking for a good laugh. Much to my dismay, I didn’t find it!!! I don’t want to give the chick too much credit - let’s be honest, her rear is so fluffy that she might just naturally bounce back up like that ANY time she falls. But that woman jumped right back up and went on with the show. I actually think she started performing better after the fall. She bounced back (pun intended) pretty well.

I tried to laugh and find joy in what happened. I watched minute 2:44 three times for crying out loud to try and get a cheap laugh, but it didn’t work. I hate to admit it, but I was mildly impressed. I may actually have to….gasp!.... LIKE her now.

That Which Does Not Kill Me...

I have been jonesing for French Fries all week, so today I finally gave in and went to the café in my building. I was contemplating how sad I would look if I asked the guy behind the counter if I could have some ranch dressing to go with it and decided I’d just settle for grabbing some ketchup packets on the way out. I mean, OBVIOUSLY, tomatoes are healthier on my french fries than ranch dressing. But, to my pleasant surprise, when I reached the condiment counter I found something far, far better than ranch. Mayonnaise.

Not Miracle Whip (gag!), not low fat, not “made with olive oil.” That stuff is all fine and well when it comes to making sandwiches. But if we’re talking fries, we gotta be talking Kraft REAL Mayo. And it’s at its peak if it can be squeezed, at room temperature, out of a little packet. Buttery, creamy, mayo-y goodness.

I refuse to be judged for loving heart attack sticks dipped in cholesterol, so we just won’t be going there, folks.

You know you’ve got it bad for something when you actually write about it. Those french fries were the highlight of my week.

Long lost me.

What? What is this? A new post? Why yes it is! I’ve been away from the blogging world for ages it seems. I’ve spent a few days casually catching up on the goings-on in the lives of people I don’t really know (well, some of you anyway!) and realized how much I’ve missed posting silly stories, rants and what-not myself. It’s a catharsis I have been lacking!

I don’t really know that I have anything to say today, so a list may be appropriate.

1. I am so into “V”. It’s not the same as the one from my childhood – the one that had Marc Singer in it (when I was a kid, I thought he was so cute. Him and Buck Rogers.) It just has a different feel, but oh-so-good regardless.
2. I have had all manner of work-neighbors (anyone remember Farty McFarterson?). I am now exposed to someone who uses the word “fabulous” to annoying excess. This is painful.
3. As much as I hate to admit it, I am excited about New Moon. Probably because of Taylor Lautner. He’s a cutie. Okay, he’s more than “cute”, but I just can’t bring myself to go there. It just feels wrong.
4. Something in Mini’s psychological make-up has predisposed him to rooting for the villain. He is fascinated by Zurg (and, I believe, roots for him over Buzz Lightyear) and has recently developed an affinity for Darth Vader. I’m not concerned. Yet.
5. I’m really, really super-duper ready for Christmas. I can’t wait to decorate!
6. Speaking of decorating, after living in our house for a year and 8 months, I have finally tackled the second upstairs bathroom. Let’s get one thing straight – wallpaper is rarely a good or successful idea. Keep this in mind for any possible future owners of your home, who like myself, will spend an entire weekend taking down that weird fleshy pink crap that got glued up.
7. I just had Macaroni Grill. I desperately need a nap. Connection? (probably not)
8. I just had Macaroni Grill. I have a stomach ache. Connection? (probably)
9. Will I ever learn NOT to go to Macaroni Grill? (probably not)

I think that is all for now…

Love is a Battlefield

....And marriage is the hostage negotiation meeting.

Hubby informed me the other evening that he plans to stop farting so much. He said he just doesn't want me to think he's a caveman anymore. Which is nice.

This morning I came to him with a counteroffer. He can keep the farting, if we (and by "we," I'm referring to him) can be more careful about the use of cuss words in front of the Mini. I had a dream last night that Mini and I were on a walk in our neighborhood and he kept saying, "That bitch! That bitch! That bitch!"

I don't want that to happen in real life, except with the F-bomb somehow in play.

The Rumors Are True.

I always kinda thought forgotten dates were just a joke. Proof, in this email chain between Hubby and I, that it's not.

From: Hubby
Sent: Monday, September 28, 2009 11:20 AM
To: Me
Subject: b/day and anniv

We should probably do one occasion due to babysitter sitch…..I want you to pick the restaurant….paragon, chart, acadia, etc

From: Me
Sent: Monday, September 28, 2009 11:25 AM
To: Hubby
Subject: RE: b/day and anniv

Oh, that's really sweet… Well, I say let's go out on our anniversary since that is a Friday. And since it's OUR anniversary, why don't we pick a place together? Chart House sounds good to me…

From: Hubby
Sent: Monday, September 28, 2009 11:25 AM
To: Me
Subject: RE: b/day and anniv

Good deal - what day is that?

From: Me
Sent: Monday, September 28, 2009 11:26 AM
To: Hubby
Subject: RE: b/day and anniv

Seriously?

I guess I should at least be grateful that he realizes my b-day and our anniversary are in the same month.

Good for the Soul

This is a great story for fans of football...and fans of second chances and grace.

http://arkansasvarsity.rivals.com/content.asp?CID=992976

Have a great weekend!

Good for a Laugh

Recently added to My Favorites:

DListed Celeb-bashing at its finest.
Texts From Last Night Some of them are pretty raunchy, and some of them are obviously fake. But it IS funny to read some of the things that people text.

Read em

Love em

Friday's Math Lesson

Forgetting Password to Very Important Software Application
+
Using a Toilet Seat Cover Because TP Is Out and I Forgot To Check Before I Started Peeing
+
Being Forced To Listen to BLARING Irish Music, Which I Find More Irritating than Reggae, By Co-Worker In The Cube Next To Me Who Just Returned From Ireland
+
Shortage of Co-Workers Due To Illness and Vacations
+
Being On Hold To Have IT Reset Aforementioned Password

=
Really Crappy Day.

Is This What a Mid Life Crisis Feels Like?

You might recall how I’ve mentioned before that my celebrity BFF would be Keri Russell. That’s mostly because I l.o.v.e.d “Felicity”. Felicity started when I was in college so I could really identify with her character. Except for the fact that I didn’t follow some guy across the country over a crush, and there wasn’t a guy at my university even half as hot as Ben Covington. But anyhoo, that show was my fave. And very recently, I pulled out my DVDs of the first season. See, hubby has been on an “Alias on DVD” kick, and since Jennifer Garner was on Felicity a couple of times and Alias was done by the creator of Felicity, JJ Abrams, it got me in the mood to watch a little college angst.

So there I am, hanging out in bed and watching an episode where her parents come to NY to convince her to go back home and go to Stanford instead. And Felicity and her mom are having a conversation about the mom having trouble accepting Felicity’s decision. And she says, “I was 20 when I got pregnant with you, I was very young…”

The scene continued, but all I could hear was….

“I was 20 when I got pregnant with you, I was 20 when I got pregnant with you, I was 20 when I got pregnant with you.”

My feeble 33-soon-to-be-34-year old mind started doing the math. If Felicity’s mom was 20 when she got pregnant, and Felicity is 18 years old, then that makes her mom 38…only four years older than me. WTH?!?!?!?! This can’t be!!! Nonononono… I started silently arguing with that vengeful bitch called Time – FELICITY is my contemporary, not her freaking MOM. I identify with FELICITY’S life. This can’t be!! It just can’t!

But, TIME responded to let me know that many people my age have children closing in on their college years and that, yes, if Felicity were a current show I would have more in common with her damn mom. And that while in my mind I remain a hip, cool gal in her early 20s, unfortunately, I am not.

You know what sucks about your 30s? You start realizing that you're getting older every single day and farther from your youth.... and yet you’re still 30 years from retirement.

Not fair.

Not fair at all.

Right On!!

Okay, even the biggest Obama-hater has to agree with his opinion on THIS:

Obama on the important stuff

Good stuff.

Mahalo

Okay, enough with the Hawaiian words already, right? As much as I would like to believe that is my language and culture, it is not.

But, I realized….how could I have forgotten to tell you about the H1N1 they put on the plane in the row in front of us, only to make her get OFF the plane after letting her sit there – WITH US – for a half an hour? Yup, it happened. Okay, so I don’t know she had Pork Flu, but I’ve honestly never seen someone shake so badly that wasn’t detoxing. Hubby’s response was typically understated. When he realized what was going on in the seat in front of him, he shoved his nose down his shirt and tried – unsuccessfully – to get our 3 yr old to do the same.

Pictures will be forthcoming (of our vacay, not of my boys with their shirts over their faces), although I’m hesitant to actually post my picture on here. I’ve posted pictures of the Mini before for a limited time, so I might to the same with pics of my mug.

Can I tell you a funny story? I went out to our office in Hillsboro to work this morning, just as I did two weeks ago. And two weeks ago, I saw the same thing that I saw today as I was walking down the aisle where I would be working for the morning.

I passed by a gal’s cube and on the shelves and on both sides of her computer was a collection. No, not beanie babies or unicorns (that’s a favorite part, by the way, of Dodgeball.. “I have a thing for unicorns.”). No, she had water bottles. Lots of empty freaking water bottles. I swear, there are probably fifty. Weird, right?

I asked my co-worker that I was there to work with for the morning… “Seriously, what is up with the water bottles?”

She didn’t have a clue either.

Which leads me to my next question. Have any of you watched Hoarders yet on A&E? It’s totally my new reality obsession… Which is ironic to say, given the obsessive nature of hoarding.

ALOHA

First day being back at work after Maui is… disturbing. It is so hard coming back to work after a great trip.

To update on my last post, I emailed my friend at the last minute and made up an excuse. She hasn’t responded, so I’m worried I may have hurt her feelings, which I didn’t intend. I mean, I really would like to see her again, but it just couldn’t be squeezed into the trip… Oh well. As msprimadonna said about her suggestion to wait until the last minute to respond (which I did)… “I'm non-confrontational and indirect like that.” To which I would like to reply: “Ditto.”

Anyhoo, not to brag or anything, but Maui was fantastic! I brought back a cute shirt, some awesome memories… and about 5 pounds. But who cares? I was on vacay, eating some DEElish food (shrimp and crab melt, anyone?) and it’s already coming right back off.

It started off rocky with a cab driver who was p’d o (remember, po’d is incorrect usage because nobody gets piss offed) that he wasn’t get a $100 fare to Kaanapali and instead was stuck taking us only about four miles to Enterprise – and went so far as to lecture us and start pounding the steering wheel. Yes, he was hitting the steering wheel he was so mad. So I finally just yelled at him and said, “You can just take us back to the airport, I’m sure we’ll find someone happy to take us where we want to go.” Unfortunately for him, that wasn’t an option, since that basically amounts to refusing a fare which is something they can lose their license over. And THEN… we got to Enterprise where they did just what I expected… the ole bait and switch. “So, you’ve reserved a car for an amazing rate of $136? Too bad, that’s no longer available and our system shows that you’ll actually be paying $185.” So, guess who had to pitch a fit? By the end of the travel day, I was pretty good at it. Shortly after I said, “Well, we’ll just call so-and-so who works for Enterprise and MADE the reservation for us,” wouldn’t you know it? Something miraculously showed up in the system and suddenly it was only going to cost $105! Seriously, I would have been fine if they’d just honored the $136.

Other than the transportation portion, our trip was fantastic. Tips for making Maui easier on the pocketbook:

Car Rental: Find the nearest rental location to the airport without actually being an airport location. You’ll find cheaper rates. Granted, you’ll have to tick off the angry Eastern European, but it really is worth it.

Lodging: Rent a condo and wait until about a month before you go to reserve it. I found plenty of availabilities less than 4 weeks before our trip, and scored a 2 bedroom/2 bath condo on the Kaanapali Golf Course with views of the ocean and a 10 minute walk from Whaler’s Village and the beach for $150 a night.

Food: If you have to eat out, go to either Leilani’s or Hula Grill (both on the ocean with great views of the sunset)…but don’t eat in the dining room with the higher prices – eat in the bar – they have full menus there was well with great food prices (my shrimp and crab melt with fries was only $11). Biggest money saver, if you have a condo with a kitchen…take your Safeway card (or buy a $30 Costco membership) and fix your food yourself. We had enough food for four full days - with food leftover that we left behind - for around $18 a person.

Now that life seems to be settling itself down a bit, I hope to get back into blogging a little bit more. And reading what you all have been up to as well!

Hello Again...

Yeah, yeah, it’s been a long time. If absence makes the heart grow fonder, you must all be just SALIVATING over the fact that I’ve finally posted again. I have no excuses for being gone so long. I simply just didn’t feel like writing on here, I guess. But all that has changed because I have an amusing story to tell….

Are you a Facebook user? Me, too. But only very casually. If I went on there and started updating about every single thing I do people would be S.H.O.C.K.E.D. Anyway, that’s not the point. Over the months, I’ve noticed that there is a phenomenon of sorts on FB. I call it the Facebook False Sense of Familiarity.

I would say that the vast majority of my friends on Facebook are people from high school and a large number of those people I haven’t spoken to in probably 15 years (did I just date myself?). But, for some reason, people seem to pick up right where you left off, like it’s the day after high school graduation and you know each other as well as you did then. Does that make any sense? I mean, I guess it’s not weird since for the most part, I spent 10-12 years with these people day in and day out. But still…… You’ll understand what I’m getting at when I get to meat of the story.

So… my newest friend on Facebook is a girl I’ve known since kindergarten. We went all through elementary and junior high school and then after our freshman year of high school, she was gone. She didn’t hang out with my group of friends, so she was one of those people that one day, half way through my senior year of high school, I realized… “Oh, wait, where’s T at?” Anyhoo, I never knew where she’d gone and never bothered to ask any of her friends, so it was sort of a mystery.

And then comes Facebook. I found T on there through mutual friends, so we started emailing and catching up. Turns out, she moved to Hawaii after our freshman year and has been there ever since. Then she said a very generic, “You should come here for vacation some time!”

To which I replied that we are, in fact, going to Maui this week for 5 days.

To which SHE replied: “Wait Wait, WHAT, you will be maui when, I can come see you K, its only a short 30min flt from Oahu, And Randy and I need a break, Give me your number and let me know where you will be staying I can meet you there. Might be a long shot I just realized it was Labor day weekend but get back to me fast on this and I will be in maui to see you.”

I think it’s really sweet and all, but…. Seriously, I haven’t seen this chick in, like EIGHTEEN YEARS. And, we’re only going to be there for what basically amounts to a long weekend… I’m not sure that I want to spend that time getting reacquainted with an old friend (and it’s not like we were even that CLOSE) and meeting her significant other. Let’s be honest…people change a LOT over the years and I just can’t commit to spending that much time with someone that I don’t even know if I’ll want to be around. How mean does that sound?!?! I mean, I’d love to meet up with her maybe the next time we come for a longer trip, but just not this time.

Fortunately, my Facebook email history is such that I usually take several days to respond. So, it won’t seem like a ploy if I don’t email her back until Wednesday or Thursday. That’ll give me time to think of a good excuse.

Collections Agent

When our tenants opted to move out (supposedly back to California, but since we've seen them several times since then I doubt it), we decided we'd go with a property management company. It's just easier right?

The new tenants moved in this past weekend, and the gal at the PM Co who does the money transfers was out of the country until yesterday, when she was suppose to call me to get routing info. Guess what? She didn't.

So, I called and left a message. I emailed.

I got a response.

I had a couple of more questions, so I sent a couple of additional emails.

FOUR AND A HALF HOURS AGO.

I've called. Twice.

Trust me, the irony isn't lost on me that it was easier to get in touch with our check-floating, wrong check sending, excuse-having, flea infested tenants than it is to get in touch with our property manager.

Nice.

Here I Go Again

I'm not looking to turn this into the Big Brother Blog (although if CBS would like to slide some $$ my way for the advertising, I'd be okay with writing about Big Brother all the time), but MAN, this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

I should never have made fun of Chiclets.

She's actually the only one in the house smart enough to have figured out Ronnie's Game.

And don't even get me started on Ronnie.

Since the theme this year is all about High School, I feel comfortable endorsing CBS's pick for the Brains Clique. They could not have picked anyone better. He's that nerd in high school who would go along with the jocks because he thought it would make them like him. And they only pretended to like him so he could "share" term papers with them. Trust me, dude, your "friendship" with the Athlete Clique in the Big Brother House is not validation that you are now cool and have shed your high school geekiness. IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME NOW AS IT WAS THEN. There is no way those guys would befriend or ever not make fun of some guy that is obsessed with Star Wars (not in the funny way that Howie Gordon from BB6 was) and owns the Legally Blonde: The Musical Soundtrack. No, no, no, no. It is against nature.

And while we're on the subject - any guy that gets that excited over that CD, a bubble stick (WTH?) and has a cat he calls My Molly Kitty.... I mean, really. You're not fooling anyone with that sham of a marriage you're in. Poor woman. I wonder if she knows. But, hell, she married you Stars Wars Obsession and all. It must be love.

For her, at least.

Vacation Depression

We started parking in a new garage on July 1. It’s awesome because it’s about $30 cheaper each month than our other garage. But, there’s one serious drawback that I’m not sure I’ll be able to get around. No, not the small spaces. And not the underground (though well-lit) horror movie creepiness. Uh-uh.

It’s the fact that it’s a hotel garage. Each and every day, going to and coming from work, I have to walk through the hotel lobby.

Seeing people who are presumably on vacation day in and day out is taking a serious toll on my employment mental health and, frankly, I’m not certain it’s worth $30 a month.

I’m almost 34.

I can retire now, right?

Yuck.

Remember this???

I honestly didn't think it could get any better than a litter box full of cat poo, but it did.

We've got new tenants moving in this weekend and coming by to check it all out today. Now, mind you, these people are moving from AZ and are renting the house sight unseen - save for some pictures on the internet. We want their first impression to be great!

So, we went by last night to do a few last minute things, not the least of which was fill in holes in the walls and touch up the paint. (Nothing fist-sized, just your typical picture holes). So, when we got there, Hubby spent a few minutes alone in the house. When we first walked in the door, I thought I'd heard a noise. Since squatting is not unheard of these days, Hubby took the shovel inside and inspected the place before Mini and I went in.

Hubby headed downstairs to the finished basement, the only carpeted area of the house. Mini and I followed briefly and then went back upstairs. The supplies were brought upstairs to begin the patching and painting and I settled Mini in with his toys. About four pullings of nails/screws into the process, Hubby says..."What are all these little bugs one me?!?!" I immediately thought... Termites? Carpenter Ants?

I went over to take a look.... And his feet and ankles were C.O.V.E.R.E.D. with fleas. I've seen my share of fleas. I've been in houses with flea problems where you leave with, like, 20 bites. But this was an in-freaking-festation. I was covered and Mini was getting covered. We all ran outside and I stripped Mini down to his skivs to make sure they were all off of him. I had the creepy-crawlies for the next 45 minutes.

I really hope those Raid Bombs work. Otherwise, we might be on the hunt for new tenants.

I'm not kidding when I say those last people were just filthy.

I Stand Corrected....MAYBE

I have to admit. After watching BB last night, Jesse might not be the biggest tool after all.

After watching Laura flaunt her goodies (she is SO un-cute by the way - where'd she get those teeth? The Chiclets Factory?), I was sure that Jesse would swoon. But then he totally surprised me by saying - and I'm paraphrasing here - "If that ding-dong thinks that by walking out here in her bikini and shaking her tata's in my face is going to help keep her around, she's wrong." Okay, so that was obviously my own interpretation of what he said. He didn't nominate her for eviction, which was disappointing, but at least he isn't thinking with the wrong body part.

Chiclet's has GOT TO GO.

Big Brother Eleven

I've been waiting so patiently. Big Brother is my summertime obsession. So, naturally, last night was a big night in the TSITG household.

You know, I used to think that John Mayer was a complete tool. And then I saw this



and it took away the douche-factor. And, of course, I met Faddah, which made anyone else on the douche-list pale in comparison.

But then, Big Brother went and brought this guy back from Season 10:














And so, let me say on this Friday - Congratulations, Jesse. You've been awarded the SITG Complete Douchebag and Total Tool Award... and you barely even had a chance to talk last night. That is how much you get on my nerves.

Why, why, why did Big Brother ruin it for me like this?!?!

10 Things You May Not Know About....ME!!!!!!

I was tagged by Coco, one of my very favorite bloggers. This pleases me because I enjoy being tagged. I fully expect that everyone who reads this will immediately make a list of their own.

1) When I was little, I wanted to be a meteorologist, astronaut and figure skater. I did not become any of those things.

2) I hate unloaded the silverware from the dishwasher. I don’t know why, it just is.

3) I come from a distinguished line of people with Stinky Feet. It grows exponentially worse with each generation. Mini’s feet stink even when he wears sandals.

4) I just got moved to a new floor at work yesterday. I finally have a WINDOW!

5) I currently do 600 crunches every morning (I try to increase each week). Not that they seem to be doing one damn bit of good. But, I do it anyway…mostly because I like saying I do 600 crunches every morning.

6) My tatas are shrinking.

7) I’m considering botox very, very soon. So what if I won’t have any facial expressions.

8) I desperately need to have more female energy in my house. I can’t take the farting and belching without some extra estrogen to balance it all out.

9) We are finally ALMOST finished with that darn deck. Three months is a long time. But when the work is free, you can’t complain! :o)

10) I like to take pictures, but rarely manage to get them off the camera and onto the computer. And when I do, I rarely share them out of sheer laziness, much to my family’s dismay, I’m sure.

Now it's your turn to join the fun!!

Quick! Someone Make Sure Patrick Swayze's Still Alive!!

First Ed.

Then Farrah.

Followed by Jacko.

And now...Billy Mays, the OxiClean guy?

Love Him, Hate Him

...or just ambivalent about him, it is the end of the pop culture world as we know it.

Edited to add:

Ironically (for me anyway) John Mayer summed it up best:

"I think we'll mourn his loss as well as the loss of ourselves as children listening to Thriller on the record player. Dazed in the studio. A major strand of our cultural DNA has left us. RIP MJ."

Help Wanted Ad

Every once in a while, I head over to Mama Kat and participate in the Writer's Workshop. Okay, I lie. It's not every once in a while. I've only done it one other time.

Choose a prompt, post it on your blog, and come back and sign Mr. Linky. For good comment karma try to comment on the three blogs above your name!!

The Prompts:
1.) Interview a child.
2.) How do you stave off boredom?
3.) Write a poem for the little boy in your life.
4.) Describe a memorable interview or talk about your experience trying to find a job amidst this recession.
5.) Create a Help Wanted Ad.

Well, today, I'm gonna cheat and do #5. I've actually already done this and posted it here before. But, hell. I'm lazy.

OUT OF WORK???? Look no Further!!

Wanted
Steward for the Something In The Glass household. The interview process will consist only of your demonstrated ability to memorize the following information. All who qualify will be accepted, as many stewards are necessary for successful operation of the Household.

Chain Of Command
Mini (age 2) is the primary owner/operator of the SITGH. All others are merely assistants. Assistans/Stewards have no power, nor will they ascend to any leadership roles, receive promotions, awards, or raises of any kind, until such time that Mini abdicates his position for the purpose of obtaining higher education.

Example of Essential Functions
All objects in said Household belong to Mini. He will, however, loan items to staff members for brief periods. These objects include, but are not limited to, chairs, remote controls, the washer/dryer, scarves, bras, and entire rooms.

Mini will make demands for loaned items to be returned in the following manner:

I want (insert object here). I wanit, I wanit, I wanit.

Should the Mini be denied any particular object he desires (knives, tape, Mop-N-Glo, cat litter), he will confirm that he does not like anything (presented for the purpose of diverting his attention), demonstrated as follows:

“No, Mini, you can’t have (insert object from above here). But, look, here’s (choose object from list below).”*

“Your Thomas train!”
“Your Rudolph book!”
“Your Car Park!”
“Chicken Dance Elmo!”
“Your crayons!”
“Your farm!”

The object will be bluntly rejected with this statement:

“No! I don’t wike it.” Emphasis for this statement will be provided by a thrusting of the left arm forward, as to push object away. Proximity of Mini to the object is not a factor. Contact with said object is not necessary for rejection to be complete.

Please note: Mini will determine that he does indeed wike the originally rejected item when it is removed from his presence. He will then issue a statement which is akin to “Uhhh. Uhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” This is usually accompanied by prostrating himself in grief, face down on the floor and/or with kicking of the feet.

The seizure-like episode is relieved once the rejected item is provided to Mini.

*During the Christmas season, Mini may be bribed with Santa. This tactic is not always successful.

To Apply for this Position
If you have direct experience in the stewardship of a similar operation, you may forward your resume to theglasshassomethinginit@gmail.com

This position is to be filled immediately. No salary provided. This is non-negotiable.

Dear Solicitation Technician,

For the benefit of your future endeavors, I thought I’d impart some knowledge to you.

If you’re going to ask me for money to buy you and your pregnant fiancée breakfast at McDonald’s, please make sure she is not smoking in the background.

Also, you would be wise to come up with an alternate opening line. For some reason, the words “Excuse me, ma’am, I just got out of jail and they only gave me slop to eat for days,” just really doesn’t do much to endear you to me.

There is a reason I never carry cash on me.

YOU are that reason.

Sincerely,
Something in the Glass

Could ya spare some change, buddy?

I thought we were past the "It's Fun to Put Everything in Our Mouths" Stage and I let my guard down. Mini swallowed a penny on Friday. The look on his face was priceless, you could tell he didn't mean to do it. Then he totally freaked out - we always tell him not to put money in is his mouth because it will make him sick (of course, this isn't necessarily true, but geez, pennies are NASTY!). So, he immediately started telling me his stomach hurt and that he was sick.

Poor Kid.

We ended up going to the ER after the receptionist for the advice nurse told me it'd be quicker to call Poison Control (apparently you can call them for ANYTHING that's been ingested. Good to know.) and then Poison Control said to take him to the ER. We ended up getting an XRay to make sure it wasn't stuck in his esophagus.

It wasn't, so I spent the weekend monitoring the poo very closely. Never saw the penny, so the amazing and wonderful High Priestess of Children (aka, babysitter Laurie) will likely have the pleasure.

Other than that, the weekend was pretty great. We got a ton of yardwork done and Hubby started working on repairing the fence. He's basically rebuilding it from scratch and teaching himself as he goes. I'm pretty impressed. Makes me want to go out and buy him tons of power tools to see how much he's capable of. I'm starting to get ideas.

Don't You Hate It When... (Chapter Two)

...you are trying desperately to get to the bathroom to pee because you got too busy and refused to leave your desk and then, just as you get there but before you actually get in the stall (much less get your pants down), you feel a sneeze coming on? I suspect I don't need to say any more because I'm SURE I'm not the only one this has happened to.

If you'll excuse me now, I have to go do some Kegel exercises.

Rock the Vote!!

Let your voice be heard! Exercise your right to vote!!!

I do not want to influence how you vote so I won’t divulge at this time how I voted. I must, however, strongly encourage you to let your own voice be heard on this very important issue.

CLICK HERE

Don't You Hate It When...

...someone has a huge blemish right on the tip of their nose and it takes everything you've got to look them in the eye when you're talking to them?

I'm having that problem with a co-worker. That thing must really hurt.

It also reminded me of one of my favorite episodes of Saved by the Bell...you know which one I'm talking about...admit it. You know without me even telling you which one it is.

Kelly Kapowski gets a huge zit when she's running for homecoming queen and uses a zit cream Screech discovered (That was your first mistake, Kelly. Jessie would have never been that dumb.), then it turns her face completely maroon. Which, as it turns out, was one of Bayside's school colors. "Here she is, your homecoming queen...the girl who has school spirit written all over her face, Kelly Kapowski."

The best part was when she started to do some weird rap. "B-buh-b-buh-b-buh-b-b-b, Go Bayside!" Then the conga line started. Those wacky kids sure knew how to have fun at the Maxx.

Kitty Story

I’m not one to gush over pets. Animals are just that – animals. You won’t catch me referring to my cat as my “baby” or as “Mini’s big sister” or to myself as her “mom.” In fact, most of you probably didn’t even realize I am a cat-owner. I prefer cats because they are so independent and low maintenance. Heck, while we were away on our last vacation, I put her in the garage with two litter boxes, four bowls of water and four bowls of food. When we got back six days later, she was no worse for the wear. In fact, she was probably disappointed that we came back. THIS is why I like cats. I also respect the fact that they show zero slobbering devotion over the receipt of food. I feed her, she eats it, we go about our day. But, today, Kitty (that’s her name) did something that completely surprised me and that I thought was incredibly sweet and cute. So sweet and cute, in fact, that I wanted to share it.

Today, I decided to walk Mini to daycare (he goes to an in-home preschool that’s about two blocks away from us). Kitty followed us out the door and down the road a little ways. She stopped at a nearby house to roll around in the driveway; Mini and I continued on our way. Just when we reached daycare, I looked down and she darted past my feet. She had followed us the entire way! She’d never gone that far before and I could see that she was completely freaking out. She stopped at the porch while I went inside to drop Mini off. I rushed him a little bit because I was afraid she’d turn around to go back and get lost. When I got outside, she was gone.

Hubby pulled up, shaking his head and laughing - he had passed her on his way to meet me at the daycare. Apparently, she looked really confused and tried to turn up the wrong road and then stood there looking at the unfamiliar surroundings. So, we turned around to go find her and take her home. And there she was, running along at a break neck speed trying to find her way home. Being the devoted cat-owner that I am, I got out, grabbed her, and we drove her home.

It’s possible that being in the car freaked her out more than being lost. I’m sure she’s scarred now.

Proud Owner of Prius

Yup, it happened. We bought a Prius. And you know what I discovered? The Prius is the iPhone of cars. You make complete fun of the people who are so serious about them, but when you get one, you totally appreciate it in a way no one else can.

I freaking LOVE this car. Now, mind you, we bought used. It is a commuter car, after all. So, it’s not the sweet new ones that use solar power for a/c…but we hopped in the car yesterday and drove to the coast for the afternoon and barely used a drop of gas. We would have used an entire tank of gas if we’d driven the BMW. You just can’t beat 52 mpg.

A really funny story has come out of the Prius-buying process. And has iPhone elements to it, so it sorta ties back into my comment above. It actually confirmed all of my feelings about iPhoners. If you are an iPhoner, I’m going to share with you a story about a guy who unfortunately represents you (in a small way, of course). Now before I go into this, I know how serious iPhone users take their phones, so please read this with a sense of humor. If you can’t, then I must ask that you stop reading right now….

So, last week, I was emailing with this dude from Craigslist about a Prius that he had for sale. We made arrangements to go see it over the weekend…. He gave me his address and his phone number. But he couldn’t just give me his phone number. No, he had to write this…

“My iPhone number is 503-xxx-xxxx.”

No, you do not have an “iPhone” number. It is a cell phone number. It’s not an iPhone number anymore than mine is a Samsung number. Immediately, I told hubby, “This guys going to be a tool.”

So, we go meet him. He is creepy. Like, so creepy I wanted to take a shower after being in a car with him. So creepy, I don’t think I’ll ever go on Craigslist again. So creepy, we had to go drive a Prius at a dealership, to keep the creepiness of being in a car with Faddah from turning me off to Prius forever. (Side note: after he introduced himself, I had to keep myself from singing the Camp Granada song… “Hello Muddah, hello Faddah, here I am at Camp Granada…)

Anyhoo, I knew we were in trouble when he informed us that he had named his Navigation System Myrtle and that “Myrtle’s brains are under the driver’s seat.” That’s a scary thing to hear from a guy that’s sitting in a seat right behind you. Hubby and I are still wondering if Myrtle isn’t actually the last person to come test drive the car.

So back to the iPhone story…when we got done riding with Faddah and Myrtle, Hubby did the requisite, “Okay, thanks, we’ll run the Carfax report and get back to you, we have your phone number on email.”

And then Faddah pulls his iPhone OUT OF HIS POCKET, HOLDS IT UP AND SAYS, “Yes, that’s the number to my iPhone.”

I wish Hubby and responded by taking out HIS phone and saying, “Great, I have it saved on my Razr.”

We received a fortuitous call right that moment from a salesman at a dealership who’d been keeping an eye out for what we had in mind.

We bought it. And he didn’t even show us his iPhone.

Dear Former Tenants,

I’m not really sure why I was so surprised to walk into a pretty dirty place after you told Hubby that you were going to have the house professionally cleaned. After all, you ARE the people who told elaborate lies about why your rent was late when all you had to do was ask and we could have worked around it. I suspect that you dangled the cleaning in an effort to get your deposit back. But, you broke your lease with three months to go, so you should be able to guess the answer to THAT question.

I really got a good chuckle over the ceiling fan you put in the Master bedroom that you so kindly gifted to us. You know the one I’m talking about? The one you said you got at Restoration Hardware? Seriously, you’re talking to a girl who knows her shopping shit. One look at that thing and I knew that it was the $30 fan from the Wal-Mart five minutes down the road. I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth or anything – it’s great that you put it in. I would have been grateful even if you had gotten it at Goodwill. Telling me it’s from Restoration Hardware when it so obviously is not, will not help your case any.

Now, let’s talk about the yard. We were happy to pay for lawn service to make sure the grass didn’t get too high. But would it have KILLED you to pull a weed or two in the 14 months that you lived there? My legs are so freaking sore from pulling up overgrowth for the past two days that I have to actually pitch myself forward DOWN into the floor and then crawl up from there JUST TO GET OFF THE TOILET. This is not the most UN-embarrassing thing to do when you are at work. It’s not like I don’t already have potty issues. So thanks for your help with that. Maybe someday, I’ll once again be able to get up like a normal person. We won’t even discuss the difficulty I have with wiping. I never knew how instrumental leg muscles were in this act.

In related yard work news, I know this next item isn’t exactly something you can control. I have a cat. I get it. But I’m serious when I say that making skin to poo contact with cat crap isn’t high on my list of things I enjoy. THREE TIMES. Twice on the hand and once on the foot. And I was being careful. Either I have some bad karma floating around me like excrement stuck to my shoe, or your cats pooped. A lot.

Which brings me to another point. I knew there would be items left behind. Who doesn’t leave something that the owners have to throw away? Old dryer sheets, a towel with holes in it, dish soap. But the litter box? WITH cat shit in it? I’m thinking you could have at LEAST thrown that away. I mean, really! What is it with you and CAT CRAP?!?!?!

Anyway, I hope everything is great down south. I’m sure the State of California is pleased welcome citizens such as yourselves back with open arms.

In honor of our apparent mutual love of felines, I leave you with words of wisdom from days of yore…

“May the wind be at your face and animal shit in front of you.”

Sincerely,
SITG

Friday Update

The search for the Prius has begun in earnest now. The Beast, God willing, will soon be moving on. A compromise has been struck. When the BMW goes on its merry way next fall, I will be getting an SUV. I have my heart set on a Land Rover, so we shall see.

In recent days, my formerly enjoyable 2 year old has been replaced by a possessed agent from the Dark Side whose mission is to break me. All I can hear in my head is Dr. Evil when his chair goes haywire… “I need a young priest and an old priest. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you.” Today was better, so hopefully the exorcism worked. Just kidding, of course. We haven’t resorted to exorcism...

...Yet.

In other news, my co-worker (who seems to be quite a pot-stirrer) came to me with the same dialogue that she used on my other friend/co-worker. I won't get into detail because, honestly, it's just too complicated. But, basically, I've figured out that she's that type of friend who doesn't want you to be friends with anyone else. You know the kind I'm talking about? Anyhoo, it seems that she's tried to cause problems between myself and another co-worker/friend. She just didn't count on us actually discussing it. Oh well. I'm letting it go. I'm not in junior high and don't want to deal with it.

Perplexed, Confused, and...Betrayed?

What do you do when a friend / co-worker does something that could be a swipe at you, or a third party…or both? I just would have never imagined that she would involve me in something like this so I wonder now…is this something out of character for her…or is it indicative of the kind of person she truly is and I was too naïve to see it?

Am I a bad judge of character? Have I been on the wrong side of things all this time?

This makes me sad.

International Woman of Mystery!

I love MapLoco. It’s so fun to see all those different places pop up. Yesterday, there was a lot of international flavor. I’m not sure what exactly brought all these people yesterday - I know there’s a way to check what search words bring people to your blog, but I have no clue how to do it. Besides, I’d rather delude myself into believing that people are somehow gravitating to my blog because I’m such a worldly woman. So, here’s my shout-out to my visitors from across the globe.

Amman, Jordan - Ahlan wa sahlan!
Tokyo, Japan – Konnichi wa!
Makati, Phillipines - Magandang hapon po
Australia – G-day, mate!
London, England – Hi!
**I actually wanted to say “Cheerio!” to the Brit, but that might actually mean goodbye…
Bloody ‘ell, why is it one of the English ones was the hardest?!?! Maybe I should just stick with my own version… Hey, y’all!!!! **

Disclaimer: It is not my intention in anyway to inadvertently offend anyone in any of the languages above. I looked this stuff up on the internet, which could actually be someone’s idea of a very cruel international joke.

My 100th Post!

Wish I was cool enough to do some fun giveaway. But I'm not.

I'd rather talk entertainment....

So, I can definitely see how the producers of The Hills are beginning to manipulate us already. Over the course of the last few episodes, I have come to hate Spencer less. Shocking, I know. And the real proof that the producers are pulling my strings? Last night when “Spencie” called LC to apologize, I actually thought he handled it better than she did. At the end of the conversation, she could have at least been all, “Listen, I know it took a lot to make this call, so thanks…”

In other entertainment news, the new Harrison Ford movie is filming today a few blocks away, so I’ll have to use some break time to go check that out. Han Solo won’t be there, they said on the news it’ll just be Brendan Fraser. I’m hoping that Felicity will be there, too. If I could pick a celebrity best friend, it would be Keri Russell. And Jennifer Garner. We’d all be BFFs. They also said on the news that they are looking for extras for next Tuesday when the film at Oaks Park, but I don’t want to use a vacation day for that, and it would be really awkward if I called in sick and then got spotted on film. Because, you know, if they picked me to be an extra, they would be knocked out by my charm, charisma and raw talent and immediately fire Felicity and give me her role. How would I explain that to my boss?

And besides, I just couldn’t do that to my BFF.

Got another short week… Only working Tues/Wed and then going up to Seattle. I haven’t been there in a year, so it should be fun. Hope everyone had a fun and safe Memorial Day Weekend!!!

Thank Goodness That's Over for a Year.

Just got back from my visit to the doctor. That was fun. (By the way, while I was waiting, I think I figured out which beeyotch laughed at me on the phone.) You know, the only thing worse than having the gyno chatting away when they are taking care of business like they aren’t actually doing what they’re doing, is peeing or farting while they are doing said business. I have severe anxiety about this happening to me someday.

The only thing I took away from that odyssey is the fact that I’m not 5’3”. Actually, I always thought I was somewhere between 5’2 ½” and 5’3”, so I've always rounded up. Apparently, I’m actually 5’2 ¼”. (I think that tall nurse enjoyed rubbing in the 1/4 inch.) But seriously, people, at this point, aren't we just splitting hairs? Especially considering I wear four inch heels most days. My actual height may be 5’2” (and a quarter), but my Fashion Height is 5’7”.

Fashion Height Formula: Height of Shoes + Height (always use actual height and round up for this equation) = Fashion Height

(HS + H = FH)

Example:
HS: 4
H: 5’2 ¼” = 5’3” rounded

4” + 5’3” = 5’7”

I feel so tall. It also helps with BMI calculations.

So many blogs, so little time.

Man, I'm not doing a very good job of keeping up on my blog-reading! This is shameful! I have no idea what's going on in the lives of people here in the blogiverse.

My buddy is coming to visit this weekend, so I spent some time cleaning over the weekend. My bathroom (with the exception of the floor - that'll be next) is probably the cleanest it's been in months. And you should see the closet downstairs! Wowza! I'm telling you, that closet has somehow become the center of my universe. Seriously, if the closet is a disorganized mess, I feel like the whole house is a disaster. If it's clean, the whole house feels sparkly and, by extension, I also feel shiny and new (...and now I have the lyrics to Like a Virgin stuck in my head). I have similar feelings about the Snow Beast. When it's (relatively) clean, it feels like it runs better and I feel less anxious when riding in it.

Hubby is very excited today... It's a big day. The 3rd generation Prius goes on sale. I'm guessing that sometime in the next year, we will be the proud (?) owners of a fuel-efficient and practical hatchback. Have I mentioned that I'm not a hatchback kind of girl??? But, considering gas prices seem to be on the rise and will probably be back around $3.50 or $4 again by the end of summer, it may not be the worst thing that could happen. Maybe we can get one that's completely pimped out. Something like this:

Yes, that IS a Prius. And yes, I AM kidding. I may not be a hatchback girl, but I'm even more NOT a 2 Fast 2 Furious girl.

Speaking of green, I was out and about with my boss last week. He has a Smart Car. It's a convertible. Surprisingly roomy, but no place to legally place a carseat, so this will not be an option for us. It is also not an option because I felt like I was in Cousin It's car from the Adam's Family.

Well. I think that is all for now.

It's Been Forever! (Only 6 Days)

I can't believe it's been almost a week since the last time I wrote... Geez.

So, I'll just jump right in...

...What a great weekend! Hope you all had a Mother’s Day that was as wonderful as mine was. We had a fantastic dinner with my MIL, SIL and nephews. It was a collaborative effort. MIL brought the side dish and the bread, SIL brought her to-die-for salad and Hubby cooked the salmon. The younger kiddos played in the yard and the older nephew kept the fire stoked in the chimenea. BIL was able to come over later after having dinner with his mother. We all had a fantastic time. I’m obviously very far away from my own family, so I definitely feel blessed to get to spend a special day with such fun and wonderful people.

My bosom buddy is coming to visit in less than 2 weeks! I’m super pumped about it! It’s going to be a blast.

I’m working hard on continuing with diet and exercise to get beach ready for Maui in September. It’s coming up quickly, so I have to be DEDICATED!!!!!

I am pretty behind on my blog-reading, so I’ve got some catching up to do. I can’t wait to read what you all have been up to!

Time Management, Part Two

I think I was right after all about the promotion getting in the way of my blogging career. So many things I'd like to write about, but to be perfectly honest...

My brain is about to explode.

Too much input is blocking any and all possible output.

It'll get better.

Right?????

I never learn

Last night I had pizza.
And, yup, you guessed it.... last night I had a bizarre dream.

I won’t bore you with the details (well, at least not the LOOONG version that I bored Hubby with this morning), but we got invaded by aliens, my mom got P’dO - FYI, that’s my shorthand for pissed off…everyone says PO’d, but NOBODY actually gets “piss offed” so it just doesn’t make sense to say PO’d. Anyhoo, I digress. So, my mom got P’dO because I hadn’t checked in with her (uh, sorry mom, I was trying not to get killed by the 10-foot alien!), Hubby turned out to BE one of the aliens shortly after he turned into Matt LeBlanc (but, bless his heart, even though he was one of them, he still loved me enough to try and save my life). Then I got drunk and hatched a plan with Taylor Swift to escape, go meet up with my parents, sis, BIL and niece and nephew and live in the woods in tents.

But, we got caught trying to escape town. And that’s when I woke up.

I have a theory that the reason Mini wasn’t present in this dream is because the 10-foot alien is symbolic of the temper tantrum monster that has invaded my house for the past three days.

Or maybe it was just the pizza.

Con

- Verb.

1. to swindle; trick: "That crook conned me out of all my savings. "
2. to persuade by deception, cajolery, etc.

I really love getting these emails. I have a lot of fun imagining ways in which I would respond.

From Miss Cindy Abami

01 bp 25687 abobo 03
abidjan,ivory coast

Dearest One,

I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of almighty for you to help me,the almighty will bless and reward you aboundantly and you would never regreat this.I am Miss Cindy Abami, from Sierra Leone, but now in Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire.

I am the only Daughter and child of Engineer Williams Philip Abami and my father was a contractor with ministry of works and housing in Sierra Leone and Cote D'ivoire before he died.My father died in feburay 19 2008 after being involved in a motor accident. Before my father died, my mother had earlier died as a result of Diabetes.

Before my father died in the hospital while taking treatment, he told me that there is Four million two hundred thousand united states dollars(US4,200,000.00) he has in a bank here in Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire. He said that the money was meant for establishing a branch of his business in Abidjan - Ivory Coast.

Though, according to my father he deposited the money in his own name and mentioned me in the documents as the next of kin .Before his death he adviced and instructed me to seek for a trust worthy person abroad who will help me invest and manage this money for me until i am capable to handle it.

Now I have succeeded in locating the bank in Abidjan and also confirmed the fund is in there , most honest and confidentiality.But the bank said from the agreement my father has with the bank that i can only claim the money when i am 25 years. And if i am no t upto that age, i should look for a foreigner who will help me in recieving the money and for investment purposes in his or her country.

Now I am seeking for your assistance to help me transfer out this money out from the bank to your account so that you can be able to manage and invest it in any good business in your country and also help me to move out from here so that I can contiune my education which stopped since my parents death.

I am Waiting anxiously to hear from you so that we can discuss how you can assist me on this as my guradian since it is the only condition that the bank said this my inheritance can be release to me at this my present age or i can wait until i am upto 25 years and above. Thanks for your kind attention and i will appreciate to receive your reply to know if you will be able to help me stand as my guardian for my inheritance be release to me through your kind help.

Please i am willing to give you 15% from the inheritance for standing as my guardian and also know that you are going to manage it for me .

Please i am on my kneels begging you to accept standing as my guradian so that my inheritance be transfer out from here.Please i will like you to send this information to me which will be what i will be presenting to the bank when i hear from you.

1.Your name and your address.
2.Your telephone and fax number
thanks
Miss Cindy Abami

How I would like to reply (only I'm afraid to because Cindy just might be able to figure out where I live...) :

Dear Cindy,

Thanks for writing, it's good to hear from you. I'm really sorry to hear about your father and that you're having so much trouble finding a "guradian" to help you invest your millions. Maybe it's because nobody is sure what a guradian is. Regardless, you should probably know that I'm not really good at making sound decisions regarding investments. I once racked up about $20k in credit card debt buying shit at Target.

If you find someone to help you out, I would really appreciate it if you could pass along their contact information to me. You see, my great-great-great uncle who I've never met before recently sent me a letter to let me know that he's sending me the deed to this really nifty bridge he owns in Brooklyn. Well, I guess technically I own it now. All I had to do was give him my credit card number so he could charge me the $15,000 bridge-deed-processing fee. It sounds fishy, but it's totally legit. Anyhow, I hear there's good money in bridges these days so if you find someone to help you invest your money, I'd like to see if they want to buy my bridge.

Okay, well, take care. I look forward to hearing from you really soon!!

KK

Congrats to Speidi

Or not. Regardless, I'm sure this union will last 4-eva. But it's an excuse to laugh at these.... Eh, screw their wedding. We don't need an excuse to laugh at them....

The first attempt....



Seriously, I can't even watch THIS entire video...



Third time's a charm?



Nope, sorry, you don't get the whole thing. That was just a taste....

Dear Portland Trailblazers,

I'm the first to admit, I'm not a big basketball fan. Nor do I understand phrases like, "Guard the perimeter" or "and one." Actually, I get the "and one" thing. Something to do with making the shot and getting the foul, too.

But, my point is that you've come a long way from being called the Jailblazers. As much as I enjoyed how funny that was, it's much more fun to root for a team of actual good guys (Przybilla, I'm keeping my eye on that temper of yours).

Here's why I'm writing...You need to get out of this whole routine of getting your ass-kicked in order to get fired up and win the following game. Let's just cut that right out, mkay? Cause there's nothing I like more than a Texas team getting beat. I don't care of it's a Chess Team. If they're from Texas, they need a beat down. (To all my Texas Bloggy Buddies...I kid, I kid! I'm an Okie. I have to say things like that.)

Thanks for listening.

SITG

Oy!

Soooo tired today. Co-worker came over last night to do a little work on the new deck and we finished off another bottle of wine while Hubby was at the Rose Garden watching the Blazers beat Houston. I had to settle for watching it on TV.

Hubby took the train home and, when a train ahead of them got slightly derailed (Hubs was slightly intoxicated so I'm not entirely sure that information is correct) their train stalled after sitting on the tracks. He didn't get home until around 11:30, which means I didn't get to sleep until afternoon midnight. Ugh.

Boozed AND tired. Not a good combo for today.

Hubby was the Lucky Seat winner last night at the game and won a two night stay in Lincoln City (on the coast for all you non-OryGone-ians). The lame part of the prize? The Blackout dates are May 15 - September 15. So basically, we can't use it until next fall.

Lame, but still free!!!!

On Guard

Life is feeling really perfect these days.

Could someone give me a heads-up if they see the proverbial shoe about to drop?

Thnx.

Okay, people, it’s finally Friday. Who’s got plans this weekend?!?!

I, for one, will be enjoying the Vitamin D. It’s rainy as shit today (after having great weather yesterday afternoon), but it’s going to be sunny AND in the 70s this weekend. Can’t beat that. Hubby is playing in a golf tourney, so Mini and I will be out cattin’ around. Maybe we’ll keep The Snow Beast – Mini loves when we get to put the top down. His grin gets so huge, that I’m certain one of these days I’ll have to pick bugs out of his teeth.

Last night my co-worker who’s helping us build our new deck, came over for wine, beer and pizza. Hubby drank the beer and co-worker and I finished off a bottle of wine. One of the BIG bottles. We all know that wine does funny things to me. Something you didn’t know? Pizza does funny things to me, too. No, not of the digestive variety.

It gives me Pizza Dreams. Something about the sauce, I suppose – the richness, the sauciness – gives me funky dreams. And we also know that I already have pretty funky dreams without wine – remember The One About Bret? So, last night I dreamed that I had some psychic come to my house to check for ghosts – and then I told her I didn’t want to know if it was haunted.

Side note: I think my house is haunted with a friendly ghost that covered my feet back up last night when I woke up bitching at Hubby for taking all the covers. Seriously. I woke up with cold feet, told Hubby that he stole the blankie, and then I felt the blanket move back over my feet. Hubby didn’t budge. It was trippy.

So, then suddenly I was in a new bedroom in a new house and this place was bitchin’. It was such a huge bedroom that after having lived in this place for over a month we found a whole new section to the bedroom that had ANOTHER bed and a man-cave up in a loft. Then when Hubby decided to climb up to the man cave, the ladder broke because it was just for looks. (The falling thing has a real-life counterpart, but I’ll get to that story in a minute.)

Next thing I know, a family member was confronting everybody about a situation that is going on with my Crazy Cousin. And I LET LOOSE on his azz. Everybody was watching and it was fun. After a little rumble, I finally told him that if he didn’t back off, I was going to punch him in the nutz. And then I looked down and saw a little wet spot on the front of his pants. I was all, “Oh poor wittle thing, did you pee pee in your pants?” He got totally worked over. It was nice. (The pee thing has a real-life counterpart that is connected to the falling thing that I’ll get to shortly).

And that, my friends, is what a combination of wine and pizza does to me. I take things that I discussed during the day or had happen and then turn them into TWISTED dreams.

Now, on to the falling and pee-pee story.

Yesterday, Hubby walked over to my building to meet me for lunch. When he came in the entrance on 5th Avenue, he told me that he had just seen a car drive by with a camera on the front and a Range Rover with a camera crew in front of it. SO FREAKING COOL. So, when we walked around towards the east side of the building, I looked out the doors and saw the same cars on 4th Avenue.

Being the pop-culture whore that I am, I decided that I would forgo lunch in order to see what was going on.

Unfortunately, it lost its luster pretty quickly because I didn’t recognize the driver of the sweet, sweet Caddy and I couldn’t see the actress in the passenger seat. Buuuuuummmmmmer.

So, we went and enjoyed some Taco Salad Thursday at the Café in my building. And then when Hubby left, I went back out on 4th to watch some more.

After I went back to my desk, I checked online to see what is filming here. Two things:
The TNT show Leverage (with Timothy Hutton and the guy that played Lindsay on “Angel”)
….and….
The new Harrison Ford movie with Brendan Fraser and….drum roll please….

FELICITY!!!

Yup, Keri Russell, one of my favorite actresses - who I’m totally, like, BFFs with in my head (me, her and Jennifer Garner) – is filming a movie here. It could have been her in the passenger seat.

But probably not. I heard they also “blew up” a car over on Burnside yesterday and I think that’s more of a “Leverage” thing to do.

So, the falling and peeing portion of the story?

Yesterday on the way home, Hubby told me that he saw them doing some filming out in front of the entrance on 5th. So, he was checking it out as he walked down the steps…

I’m sure you can guess what happened next….

….yup…

He fell. Like, completely crashed out and landed on both knees. At the bottom of the steps, where the last step really isn’t even a step because it’s flush with the sidewalk. In front of a camera crew. I laughed my azz off about it. I told him that was probably going to be their last take of the day, but then they had to re-do it because he fell and ruined the shot.

The peeing part of the story isn’t really a pee story. After I finished laughing at him and empathy embarrassment set in, I told him that falling is SO humiliating I would literally rather piss my pants in front of people and have to walk around in it all day long than fall in front of people.

What about you? What is the most embarrassing thing that you can imagine happening?

Hose, Not Ho's

I just thought you all might like to know a few things…

I wore tights today with my skirt.
I always destroy tights and pantyhose the first time I wear them.
I started out the day with a hole in the butt of my tights.
The hole has gotten progressively larger throughout the day.

Result:
My butt is hanging out the blown-out back of my pantyhose and now I feel like I’m wearing a pair of chaps under my skirt.

This, That, and The Other

This

I love Dane Cook. He is so freaking hysterical. We’re talking make-me-wet-my-pants funny. I haven’t bothered with his movies yet. They look pretty stupid and have gotten bad reviews, so….it’s my belief that some people are better off doing stand up comedy. Anyhoo, the first time I ever saw or heard of him he was on The Tonight Show on, like, Veteran’s Day or something, and he was wearing the uniforms of the different military branches cut and sewn together to make one uniform. His whole spot on Jay was just so darn funny, that I was instantly a fan.

Until this morning. Now, it’s not that I don’t like him anymore. I’m just really, really, really disappointed. I heard on the radio that he’s going to be in P-Town on tour, so Hubby and I thought we’d buy some tickets when we got to work this morning. Uh, no thanks. The CHEAPEST tickets in the house were $30. The Rose Garden ain’t no small place. That’s where the Blazers play the likes of the Lakers and the Britney’s of the world perform. I’m thinking I don’t want to pay $30 to sit in the nosebleed section and watch him on the Jumbotron. Might as well watch him on DVD at home. I suppose if he can sell out at those prices, then I can’t blame him. And he’s funny and all, but we’re not talking about an Eddie Murphy or Robin Williams. Oh, well, what-ev.

That

Last night I watched The First 48. It’s one of my faves. (I’m pretty much an A&E whore.) In case you aren’t familiar, this show follows real detectives in Memphis, Kansas City, Phoenix, Cincinatti, Miami, Minneapolis and Dallas during a homicide investigation, the theory being that if a suspect isn’t identified in the first 48 hours, their chances of solving it decrease dramatically.

Most of the time, it’s punks killing other punks. Losers killing other losers. But some times, it’s someone doing something completely heinous to someone that simply didn’t deserve it or put themselves in a dangerous position. Basically, this guy comes home from work (the late shift) and finds his girlfriend and her 10 year old son dead. The 16 month old daughter that they had together was in her crib unharmed. Turns out, these two teenagers who were friends of the family killed her because she wouldn’t give them the car and then killed her son because they didn’t want any witnesses.

Oh, boy, I cried over that one. Cried and cried and cried. In fact, if I wasn’t at work right now, I’d probably cry a little more. Just thinking about how frightened that little boy must have been made me sick to my stomach. And then reading yesterday about what the horrible things that sick twisted freak-show did to Sandra Cantu before stuffing her in a suitcase… Seriously, it just makes me absolutely ill to think about how much evil there is in the world, and not that I just want to protect my OWN child from it, but that no child should EVER have to experience that sort of fear. And the people that do those things? They just can’t be human, I’d like to think that they are anomalies that don’t have souls.

But I know that isn’t true. That human beings do bad things, and even those who do can be redeemed in the end. It was a criminal who truly BELIEVED in Jesus at the end. Even his own disciples didn’t really BELIEVE they way they were meant to, not until he broke free from the grave.

It was a criminal, who may have done unspeakable things to other people, who believed in the miracle of Jesus AS HE WAS DYING and asked to be remembered in heaven. And what did Jesus tell him? “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in Paradise.” (Luke 23:43).

So, even as I feel all this anger for the people who do these sorts of things, I also know – and HOPE! – that in the end, they are redeemed like the thief on the cross and that I can be redeemed from my hatred.

The Other

Not going to end on a serious note, of course….

This morning on the drive in I decided to start a revolution. See, I was admiring the pretty pink and white blooms on the weeds in the grass and realized…. Exactly WHO decided that weeds were bad and everything else was good? Doesn’t it stand to reason that if something thrives no matter the conditions and can come back despite all the forces against it…isn’t that something we should ADMIRE?!?!

I think God must have been trying to make things easy on us and what do we do? Decide that’s not quite good enough and spend time planting, weeding, watering, fertilizing, transplanting, and potting.

So, I’m beginning the revolution today. I’m not going to fight them anymore. You can join me if you want. If not, feel free to pluck, pull, and prune, while I sit back with an ice cold drink and enjoy my weeds.

The Tax Man Cometh

Yes, the Tax Man Cometh and it looks like he is going to be gracious to us this year. In fact, thanks to our fine CPA, we will actually get money BACK this year. We were bracing ourselves because by Hubby’s math we were going owe, and owe big. I won’t tell you the number because you’d probably wet your pants. And I wouldn’t want to be responsible for that.

Then again…it might be funny…

Nah…I won’t do that to you.

Anyhoo, Hubby told me yesterday that he just can’t figure out how his own calculations were so off. I had to remind him that’s why Chad gets PAID to be a CPA. He can work miracles that we just don’t even realize are there.

So, long story short – The Tax Man Cometh and he’s paying for my new deck. And maybe he’ll take me shopping, too.

Did I tell you about Mini’s new “thing”? Yesterday when I picked him up from daycare, he gave me a little peck on the cheek while I was talking to Laurie. Then he grabbed my face between his cute little hands, stuck out his tongue and tried to kiss me again. WTH? Seriously, where did he learn this?

I know what you’re thinking. And no.

But, talk about embarrassing. And the more I told him to put his tongue back in his mouth, the funnier he thought it was…and tried harder. Two weeks ago, when he kissed my MIL on the cheek, he licked her, too.

Anyone have any experience with a Phase like this?

Here’s hoping that when the Tax Man drops off the check, he takes the Toddler with him.

Happy Easter

Very soon, Mini will get up from his nap and join in the time honored tradition of hunting Easter eggs. At 33, I'm still clueless as to exactly what in the world eggs, sugar and that darn Bunny have to do with Jesus, but I'll go along with it.

This morning we went to service at SW Bible Church. This church sponsors the Wednesday Bible Study that I occasionally attend downtown, so we thought we'd check out the church since I already knew I'd like the pastor.

We dropped Mini off in the nursery, took our numbered plastic badge that matched the one attached to Mini's sweater vest and went to listen to some preachin'. Through the service, I kept watching the electronic signs high on the wall beside the pulpit, hoping that our number wouldn't flash across. Hubby and I were quite relieved to have made it all the way through the service without Mini getting bounced. Yeah, yeah, I know. The kids whose parents had to go get them didn't get kicked out, but Hubby and I prefer to think of it that way. It makes us feel like better parents.

"Oh, sorry. You're kid was number 379, huh? Oh, Mini? He was number 924. They let him stay. Too bad about your kid, though."

Maybe not the best attitude to have after Easter service, but I'm only human...

They Learn Early

I almost forgot to tell you about the Funny Conversation of the Week. Monday morning, Mini was laying (lying? I never know which one to use) on my bed watching Imagination Movers while Hubby and I got ready for work.

There he was propped up on the pillows, one hand up behind his head, and the other down his pants. Al Bundy-style.

It begged the question: "Why do you have your hand down your pants?"

His answer?

"Because I can reach it."

He's two, folks.

I think I have my work cut out for me.

Matthew McConaughey...

...works in my building.

I'm not kidding.

If I could, I'd copy his picture from the company directory so you could see that I'm right.
But that would be weird.

ETA: I just passed "Matthew McConaughey" on the 7th floor.

I think he's following me.

Walking On Sunshine Who-oah!

Just now took a walk to the bank in the sunshine and absorbed some Portland weirdness along with the Vitamin D.

I was walking past the Justice Center toward my bank and I could hear a woman up at the corner just chatting away at a guy waiting to cross going the other direction. He was grinning at her, I assumed they knew each other. Anyway when I got up there, I heard her talking – but not in English. Assuming she was on the phone, I just minded my own bizness.

And then she sneezed and I realized she wasn’t on the phone, but had been talking to herself. This really, really loud sneeze with a huge build-up of the Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah’s before the CHOOOOOOOOOOOO. I turned as I was crossing the street and said “Bless you.” I mean, a sneeze THAT loud has to be acknowledged.

She smiled and then responded to me in Chinese. I mean, really RESPONDED, like I’d said “Bless You” in Chinese to her and chatted away at me like I was her new best friend. Yes, this blond-headed, clearly Caucasian woman was speaking in Chinese, only it’s the kind of “Chinese” you speak with you don’t know a lick of Chinese but are pretending for some reason. She even ended with a “ho ho ho,” like she’d been watching too many old Chinese actors in bad Kung-Fu movies.

Now I know why that guy was grinning at her. I mean, it’s NOTHING to see someone around here talking to their self. But something unique when they do it in another language. Yup, just another Portlander off her meds.

Man, I love this City.

Is This What Spring Is Like?

Oh, man, this weekend was PERFECT. The sun was shining, the breeze was warm, and we actually got to put the top down on the Snow Beast. Mini ate that right up. It was so awesome being able to get outside with him instead of being cooped up indoors for two days, trying to find cre8tive ways to entertain the little booger. But instead, we got outside, planted some new plants, hung out with my MIL, SIL and nephew. What a treat.

My co-worker also came by the house to do some measuring and put stakes in for the addition to our deck! I'm super duper pumped about that because the top part of our lawn is pretty un-useable. And with all the sogginess we get around these parts, it'll be nice to have an alternative to Mini stomping around in the mud.

Other than that, nothing really interesting happened - except for a little scare with our taxes and misplacing some important write-off documents. We found most of it, so I'm hoping the damage won't be too bad come April 15. Wait and see.

Gotta get to work now. Have a glorious day!

To Complain or Not to Complain, That Is The Question

Today I had to do what every woman loves. I got to schedule my yearly “You’re doing things that shouldn’t be done without dinner and drinks first.” Only this time with a new doctor. Yuck. See, I switched healthcare plans and now I have a new one that, for whatever reason, always makes me feel like I’m going to the free clinic. I don’t want to name names, but it rhymes with Paiser Kermanente.

Anyway, I had to leave behind my beloved OB/GYN, Dr. Allison, who saw me through my pregnancy and beyond. Seriously, I loved that woman. She was awesome. But, I put on my Big Girl panties, accepted reality, and did my research. I listed, in order, my preference for which doctors I would like to use through my new healthcare – just in case my first choice wasn’t accepting new patients.

I called and talked to the Appointment Nazi. She was nice enough and explained that they have a “oaieanfafd” policy. I don’t remember what word she used, but basically, there is no limit to the number of patients the doctors see. And then she told me they typically schedule the yearly exams about 4-6 weeks out, which I was expecting. But, my First Choice doctor didn’t have anything available until May 20. By my math, that’s actually about 8 weeks out, so I asked the next logical question… “Okay, well, does Dr. Second Choice have anything a little sooner?”

And she laughed. Seriously. She laughed at me. “HAHAHA. Uh, no, she doesn’t. HAHAHA.” Laughed at me like I was a complete moron for asking a perfectly legitimate question. Or WAS it a stupid question? Is there some way I should have already known the answer? I WISH I had innocently said, “I’m sorry, but did I say something funny?” But I felt too stoooopid to say much more than, “Okay, thanks.”

It is times like this that I wish I were more Suburban Bitch. If I were, I just might have given her a reason to cry instead of laugh. Part of me thinks to myself that I don’t know what her day been like, maybe it’s been a rough one already. But, then right after that, I think to myself…but SHE doesn’t know what my day has been like, either, and clearly that didn’t factor into the way she communicated with me. Why should I give her that same consideration?

Is it possible to turn the other cheek, but still call to complain? If she and I were friends or something, and she had done that, I’d turn the other cheek and move on (and maybe call her a bitch under my breath). But this woman is paid to do a job, and I’m sure Paiser Kermanente wouldn’t want this woman alienating the people that PAY THEIR BILLS.

Ugh. I'm sick with a terrible cold and now I get treated like this? Thanks, lady. Thanks a lot.

For Your Reading Pleasure

Still not having much to write today, but what can I say? I've been fighting a cold/sore throat/cough since Saturday and I'm ready to be done with it. On a bright note, today is Tuesday, which means tomorrow is Wednesday/Hump Day. It's funny - I actually enjoy my job and I'm already counting down to the weekend. I wonder how people feel who HATE their jobs? Actually I DO know that, because I've been THERE before, too.

...so, in lieu of having something interesting to say, I thought I'd give you a couple of interesting things to read.

Ever wonder about the origins of some of the toys you played with when you were a kid? Me neither, but I still found this article interesting.

Do you know which celebrities have twins? BESIDES Mary Kate and Ashley? Well, talk about being in someone's shadow...Although, for the most part, it seems the non-celebrity twin has done okay.

Offering up these articles sort of makes me feel like the Coffee Talk woman on SNL, Linda Richards... "Rhode Island is neither a road, nor an island. Discuss."

One other thing I found yesterday on MamaKat's blog...Stellan. Most of the medical stuff is way over my head, but in a nutshell, this little guy wasn't expected to survive the pregnancy and did, but is now struggling with a heart condition. His mom is glorifying God in an amazing way through her blog. It's sad to hear about yet another baby (and family) suffering, but what a blessing something like this can be to so many people.

And just because I've never said it before...thank you for all reading my nonsensical blog. Your comments make my day.

Moaindflianfalignwania

Well, that's how I feel.
Sore throat.
Tired.
Don't want to go to work today.

Pretty good retail therapy this weekend.
New book.
New Bath and Body Smell-goods.
New vase.

Depressed about no more Every Other Friday Off.
But, I can renew my gym membership at work now.

I'm boring today. I think this is just how Mondays will be for me.

Sorry.

This and That Friday

Well, folks, today is my very last "Every-Other-Friday-Off." I am really going to have ENJOY it. The cleaning is done, I've got E! on downstairs and I might go spend some time at the mall (and maybe meet Hubby at Cheesecake Factory for lunch.) I don't really HAVE to end my Friday's off, but with the new job, I really want to make sure they can see that I'm completely committed. We'll see how that works out for me...

I've had a couple of thoughts running in my head the past couple of days that I just want to put out there. I hope if I verbalize it, I can't STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

1. How is it possible for ONE headlight to burn out? They aren't like lamps or something, where maybe you're using one more than the other. You use them at exactly the same time. Shouldn't they burn out together, too?

2. Is nature so good at preservation of the species that, when in the presence of a toddler for an extended amount of time, adult's cognitive functioning lowers to that of a toddler? Or is it just me? Seriously, it is beginning to bother me that EVERY DAY this week I've woken up with this stuck in my head:

"It's the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Come inside, it's fun inside."Not to be outdone of course by:
"Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog, it's a brand new day whatcha waitin' for? Get up, get out, get on the floor. Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog."
The worst part? I'm totally into it. I lurve Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

3. After that other post about Girls Just Want to Have Fun and Breakin 2, I totally have the 80s in my head (Hey, Anniebanannie - I'm with you, the 80s rock my world).

I really want to watch The Legend of Billy Jean. Remember good ole Pat Benatar? "We can't afford to be innocent. Stand up and face the enemy. It's a do or die situation, we will be INVINCIBLE!" Totally made that movie.

And the other one I want to see? Quarterback Princess, with good ole Helen Hunt. Frakking awesome movie.

Okay, I think that is all for now. My oatmeal is ready downstairs and there's some good reality TV OnDemand that is calling out for me.

Peace out.