Thursday, February 11, 2010

I Just Stepped Out For A Bit...

Well, folks, I’m back. Again. It’s been a long couple of months with lots to process. I don’t really feel like going into the gory details of everything that’s been going on. I don’t really want to drain you that way.

On the baby front, things are great: most of the things I used to like, I like again; the nausea has been gone for about 8 weeks; and….I had my ultrasound on Tuesday.

I saw the evidence before the tech even had the chance to say, “Looks like you’re having another boy!”

I cried.
I cried in front of the ultrasound technician.
I cried in front of the OB Nurse.
I cried in front of my OB.
I cried when I called my mom to tell her.
I teared up twice at work when talking to co-workers about it.
I cried Wednesday morning.

This is not to say that my experience with Mini hasn’t been everything I could have asked for. He’s the best kid in the world. Hands down. But, I wanted a little girl, I’ll be honest. People like to give a neutral response when asked if they have a preference (FYI – they’re lying!). I never hid the fact that I wanted a girl.

Why? Because when Hubby is in the floor making vrrrrrrooooooom and/or explosion noises with Mini, it comes easily for him. When I’m playing with Mini, I’m thinking…. “What the heck am I supposed to do with THIS?”

Selfishly, I wanted a girl. I wanted a girl to put dresses on. And big bows on her head. To plays dolls with. Because I know what the heck I’m supposed to do with THAT.

I feel like there is a little girl that I’m supposed to have, and the fact that I’m not having her now (maybe never?), is really difficult. Hubby put it into words perfectly. He told me that I need to stop feeling guilty, that the sadness I feel over not having a girl is completely separate from this little boy that I AM having. And it’s true. But, I’m still sad that I feel guilty over feeling sad.

Unselfishly, I know it’s probably best that this is a boy. I know I’d go overboard with a girl and Mini’s perspective would be that I had a favorite. And, it’s not like this is the end of the road as far as kids are concerned. b but I’m not getting any younger and, let’s face it, just because we go for a third doesn’t mean it will be a girl then either.

Yes, I know how self absorbed this is. I know that there are people who no longer have children that were born to them, and people who can’t have children of their own. THIS momma is still getting used to the idea of another boy. I’m not the first person to ever cry over it. Nor will I be the last.