Dear Former Tenants,

I’m not really sure why I was so surprised to walk into a pretty dirty place after you told Hubby that you were going to have the house professionally cleaned. After all, you ARE the people who told elaborate lies about why your rent was late when all you had to do was ask and we could have worked around it. I suspect that you dangled the cleaning in an effort to get your deposit back. But, you broke your lease with three months to go, so you should be able to guess the answer to THAT question.

I really got a good chuckle over the ceiling fan you put in the Master bedroom that you so kindly gifted to us. You know the one I’m talking about? The one you said you got at Restoration Hardware? Seriously, you’re talking to a girl who knows her shopping shit. One look at that thing and I knew that it was the $30 fan from the Wal-Mart five minutes down the road. I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth or anything – it’s great that you put it in. I would have been grateful even if you had gotten it at Goodwill. Telling me it’s from Restoration Hardware when it so obviously is not, will not help your case any.

Now, let’s talk about the yard. We were happy to pay for lawn service to make sure the grass didn’t get too high. But would it have KILLED you to pull a weed or two in the 14 months that you lived there? My legs are so freaking sore from pulling up overgrowth for the past two days that I have to actually pitch myself forward DOWN into the floor and then crawl up from there JUST TO GET OFF THE TOILET. This is not the most UN-embarrassing thing to do when you are at work. It’s not like I don’t already have potty issues. So thanks for your help with that. Maybe someday, I’ll once again be able to get up like a normal person. We won’t even discuss the difficulty I have with wiping. I never knew how instrumental leg muscles were in this act.

In related yard work news, I know this next item isn’t exactly something you can control. I have a cat. I get it. But I’m serious when I say that making skin to poo contact with cat crap isn’t high on my list of things I enjoy. THREE TIMES. Twice on the hand and once on the foot. And I was being careful. Either I have some bad karma floating around me like excrement stuck to my shoe, or your cats pooped. A lot.

Which brings me to another point. I knew there would be items left behind. Who doesn’t leave something that the owners have to throw away? Old dryer sheets, a towel with holes in it, dish soap. But the litter box? WITH cat shit in it? I’m thinking you could have at LEAST thrown that away. I mean, really! What is it with you and CAT CRAP?!?!?!

Anyway, I hope everything is great down south. I’m sure the State of California is pleased welcome citizens such as yourselves back with open arms.

In honor of our apparent mutual love of felines, I leave you with words of wisdom from days of yore…

“May the wind be at your face and animal shit in front of you.”

Sincerely,
SITG