Monday, June 29, 2009

Quick! Someone Make Sure Patrick Swayze's Still Alive!!

First Ed.

Then Farrah.

Followed by Jacko.

And now...Billy Mays, the OxiClean guy?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Love Him, Hate Him

...or just ambivalent about him, it is the end of the pop culture world as we know it.

Edited to add:

Ironically (for me anyway) John Mayer summed it up best:

"I think we'll mourn his loss as well as the loss of ourselves as children listening to Thriller on the record player. Dazed in the studio. A major strand of our cultural DNA has left us. RIP MJ."

Help Wanted Ad

Every once in a while, I head over to Mama Kat and participate in the Writer's Workshop. Okay, I lie. It's not every once in a while. I've only done it one other time.

Choose a prompt, post it on your blog, and come back and sign Mr. Linky. For good comment karma try to comment on the three blogs above your name!!

The Prompts:
1.) Interview a child.
2.) How do you stave off boredom?
3.) Write a poem for the little boy in your life.
4.) Describe a memorable interview or talk about your experience trying to find a job amidst this recession.
5.) Create a Help Wanted Ad.

Well, today, I'm gonna cheat and do #5. I've actually already done this and posted it here before. But, hell. I'm lazy.

OUT OF WORK???? Look no Further!!

Steward for the Something In The Glass household. The interview process will consist only of your demonstrated ability to memorize the following information. All who qualify will be accepted, as many stewards are necessary for successful operation of the Household.

Chain Of Command
Mini (age 2) is the primary owner/operator of the SITGH. All others are merely assistants. Assistans/Stewards have no power, nor will they ascend to any leadership roles, receive promotions, awards, or raises of any kind, until such time that Mini abdicates his position for the purpose of obtaining higher education.

Example of Essential Functions
All objects in said Household belong to Mini. He will, however, loan items to staff members for brief periods. These objects include, but are not limited to, chairs, remote controls, the washer/dryer, scarves, bras, and entire rooms.

Mini will make demands for loaned items to be returned in the following manner:

I want (insert object here). I wanit, I wanit, I wanit.

Should the Mini be denied any particular object he desires (knives, tape, Mop-N-Glo, cat litter), he will confirm that he does not like anything (presented for the purpose of diverting his attention), demonstrated as follows:

“No, Mini, you can’t have (insert object from above here). But, look, here’s (choose object from list below).”*

“Your Thomas train!”
“Your Rudolph book!”
“Your Car Park!”
“Chicken Dance Elmo!”
“Your crayons!”
“Your farm!”

The object will be bluntly rejected with this statement:

“No! I don’t wike it.” Emphasis for this statement will be provided by a thrusting of the left arm forward, as to push object away. Proximity of Mini to the object is not a factor. Contact with said object is not necessary for rejection to be complete.

Please note: Mini will determine that he does indeed wike the originally rejected item when it is removed from his presence. He will then issue a statement which is akin to “Uhhh. Uhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” This is usually accompanied by prostrating himself in grief, face down on the floor and/or with kicking of the feet.

The seizure-like episode is relieved once the rejected item is provided to Mini.

*During the Christmas season, Mini may be bribed with Santa. This tactic is not always successful.

To Apply for this Position
If you have direct experience in the stewardship of a similar operation, you may forward your resume to

This position is to be filled immediately. No salary provided. This is non-negotiable.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Dear Solicitation Technician,

For the benefit of your future endeavors, I thought I’d impart some knowledge to you.

If you’re going to ask me for money to buy you and your pregnant fiancée breakfast at McDonald’s, please make sure she is not smoking in the background.

Also, you would be wise to come up with an alternate opening line. For some reason, the words “Excuse me, ma’am, I just got out of jail and they only gave me slop to eat for days,” just really doesn’t do much to endear you to me.

There is a reason I never carry cash on me.

YOU are that reason.

Something in the Glass

Monday, June 22, 2009

Could ya spare some change, buddy?

I thought we were past the "It's Fun to Put Everything in Our Mouths" Stage and I let my guard down. Mini swallowed a penny on Friday. The look on his face was priceless, you could tell he didn't mean to do it. Then he totally freaked out - we always tell him not to put money in is his mouth because it will make him sick (of course, this isn't necessarily true, but geez, pennies are NASTY!). So, he immediately started telling me his stomach hurt and that he was sick.

Poor Kid.

We ended up going to the ER after the receptionist for the advice nurse told me it'd be quicker to call Poison Control (apparently you can call them for ANYTHING that's been ingested. Good to know.) and then Poison Control said to take him to the ER. We ended up getting an XRay to make sure it wasn't stuck in his esophagus.

It wasn't, so I spent the weekend monitoring the poo very closely. Never saw the penny, so the amazing and wonderful High Priestess of Children (aka, babysitter Laurie) will likely have the pleasure.

Other than that, the weekend was pretty great. We got a ton of yardwork done and Hubby started working on repairing the fence. He's basically rebuilding it from scratch and teaching himself as he goes. I'm pretty impressed. Makes me want to go out and buy him tons of power tools to see how much he's capable of. I'm starting to get ideas.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Don't You Hate It When... (Chapter Two) are trying desperately to get to the bathroom to pee because you got too busy and refused to leave your desk and then, just as you get there but before you actually get in the stall (much less get your pants down), you feel a sneeze coming on? I suspect I don't need to say any more because I'm SURE I'm not the only one this has happened to.

If you'll excuse me now, I have to go do some Kegel exercises.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Rock the Vote!!

Let your voice be heard! Exercise your right to vote!!!

I do not want to influence how you vote so I won’t divulge at this time how I voted. I must, however, strongly encourage you to let your own voice be heard on this very important issue.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Don't You Hate It When...

...someone has a huge blemish right on the tip of their nose and it takes everything you've got to look them in the eye when you're talking to them?

I'm having that problem with a co-worker. That thing must really hurt.

It also reminded me of one of my favorite episodes of Saved by the know which one I'm talking about...admit it. You know without me even telling you which one it is.

Kelly Kapowski gets a huge zit when she's running for homecoming queen and uses a zit cream Screech discovered (That was your first mistake, Kelly. Jessie would have never been that dumb.), then it turns her face completely maroon. Which, as it turns out, was one of Bayside's school colors. "Here she is, your homecoming queen...the girl who has school spirit written all over her face, Kelly Kapowski."

The best part was when she started to do some weird rap. "B-buh-b-buh-b-buh-b-b-b, Go Bayside!" Then the conga line started. Those wacky kids sure knew how to have fun at the Maxx.

Kitty Story

I’m not one to gush over pets. Animals are just that – animals. You won’t catch me referring to my cat as my “baby” or as “Mini’s big sister” or to myself as her “mom.” In fact, most of you probably didn’t even realize I am a cat-owner. I prefer cats because they are so independent and low maintenance. Heck, while we were away on our last vacation, I put her in the garage with two litter boxes, four bowls of water and four bowls of food. When we got back six days later, she was no worse for the wear. In fact, she was probably disappointed that we came back. THIS is why I like cats. I also respect the fact that they show zero slobbering devotion over the receipt of food. I feed her, she eats it, we go about our day. But, today, Kitty (that’s her name) did something that completely surprised me and that I thought was incredibly sweet and cute. So sweet and cute, in fact, that I wanted to share it.

Today, I decided to walk Mini to daycare (he goes to an in-home preschool that’s about two blocks away from us). Kitty followed us out the door and down the road a little ways. She stopped at a nearby house to roll around in the driveway; Mini and I continued on our way. Just when we reached daycare, I looked down and she darted past my feet. She had followed us the entire way! She’d never gone that far before and I could see that she was completely freaking out. She stopped at the porch while I went inside to drop Mini off. I rushed him a little bit because I was afraid she’d turn around to go back and get lost. When I got outside, she was gone.

Hubby pulled up, shaking his head and laughing - he had passed her on his way to meet me at the daycare. Apparently, she looked really confused and tried to turn up the wrong road and then stood there looking at the unfamiliar surroundings. So, we turned around to go find her and take her home. And there she was, running along at a break neck speed trying to find her way home. Being the devoted cat-owner that I am, I got out, grabbed her, and we drove her home.

It’s possible that being in the car freaked her out more than being lost. I’m sure she’s scarred now.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Proud Owner of Prius

Yup, it happened. We bought a Prius. And you know what I discovered? The Prius is the iPhone of cars. You make complete fun of the people who are so serious about them, but when you get one, you totally appreciate it in a way no one else can.

I freaking LOVE this car. Now, mind you, we bought used. It is a commuter car, after all. So, it’s not the sweet new ones that use solar power for a/c…but we hopped in the car yesterday and drove to the coast for the afternoon and barely used a drop of gas. We would have used an entire tank of gas if we’d driven the BMW. You just can’t beat 52 mpg.

A really funny story has come out of the Prius-buying process. And has iPhone elements to it, so it sorta ties back into my comment above. It actually confirmed all of my feelings about iPhoners. If you are an iPhoner, I’m going to share with you a story about a guy who unfortunately represents you (in a small way, of course). Now before I go into this, I know how serious iPhone users take their phones, so please read this with a sense of humor. If you can’t, then I must ask that you stop reading right now….

So, last week, I was emailing with this dude from Craigslist about a Prius that he had for sale. We made arrangements to go see it over the weekend…. He gave me his address and his phone number. But he couldn’t just give me his phone number. No, he had to write this…

“My iPhone number is 503-xxx-xxxx.”

No, you do not have an “iPhone” number. It is a cell phone number. It’s not an iPhone number anymore than mine is a Samsung number. Immediately, I told hubby, “This guys going to be a tool.”

So, we go meet him. He is creepy. Like, so creepy I wanted to take a shower after being in a car with him. So creepy, I don’t think I’ll ever go on Craigslist again. So creepy, we had to go drive a Prius at a dealership, to keep the creepiness of being in a car with Faddah from turning me off to Prius forever. (Side note: after he introduced himself, I had to keep myself from singing the Camp Granada song… “Hello Muddah, hello Faddah, here I am at Camp Granada…)

Anyhoo, I knew we were in trouble when he informed us that he had named his Navigation System Myrtle and that “Myrtle’s brains are under the driver’s seat.” That’s a scary thing to hear from a guy that’s sitting in a seat right behind you. Hubby and I are still wondering if Myrtle isn’t actually the last person to come test drive the car.

So back to the iPhone story…when we got done riding with Faddah and Myrtle, Hubby did the requisite, “Okay, thanks, we’ll run the Carfax report and get back to you, we have your phone number on email.”

And then Faddah pulls his iPhone OUT OF HIS POCKET, HOLDS IT UP AND SAYS, “Yes, that’s the number to my iPhone.”

I wish Hubby and responded by taking out HIS phone and saying, “Great, I have it saved on my Razr.”

We received a fortuitous call right that moment from a salesman at a dealership who’d been keeping an eye out for what we had in mind.

We bought it. And he didn’t even show us his iPhone.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Dear Former Tenants,

I’m not really sure why I was so surprised to walk into a pretty dirty place after you told Hubby that you were going to have the house professionally cleaned. After all, you ARE the people who told elaborate lies about why your rent was late when all you had to do was ask and we could have worked around it. I suspect that you dangled the cleaning in an effort to get your deposit back. But, you broke your lease with three months to go, so you should be able to guess the answer to THAT question.

I really got a good chuckle over the ceiling fan you put in the Master bedroom that you so kindly gifted to us. You know the one I’m talking about? The one you said you got at Restoration Hardware? Seriously, you’re talking to a girl who knows her shopping shit. One look at that thing and I knew that it was the $30 fan from the Wal-Mart five minutes down the road. I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth or anything – it’s great that you put it in. I would have been grateful even if you had gotten it at Goodwill. Telling me it’s from Restoration Hardware when it so obviously is not, will not help your case any.

Now, let’s talk about the yard. We were happy to pay for lawn service to make sure the grass didn’t get too high. But would it have KILLED you to pull a weed or two in the 14 months that you lived there? My legs are so freaking sore from pulling up overgrowth for the past two days that I have to actually pitch myself forward DOWN into the floor and then crawl up from there JUST TO GET OFF THE TOILET. This is not the most UN-embarrassing thing to do when you are at work. It’s not like I don’t already have potty issues. So thanks for your help with that. Maybe someday, I’ll once again be able to get up like a normal person. We won’t even discuss the difficulty I have with wiping. I never knew how instrumental leg muscles were in this act.

In related yard work news, I know this next item isn’t exactly something you can control. I have a cat. I get it. But I’m serious when I say that making skin to poo contact with cat crap isn’t high on my list of things I enjoy. THREE TIMES. Twice on the hand and once on the foot. And I was being careful. Either I have some bad karma floating around me like excrement stuck to my shoe, or your cats pooped. A lot.

Which brings me to another point. I knew there would be items left behind. Who doesn’t leave something that the owners have to throw away? Old dryer sheets, a towel with holes in it, dish soap. But the litter box? WITH cat shit in it? I’m thinking you could have at LEAST thrown that away. I mean, really! What is it with you and CAT CRAP?!?!?!

Anyway, I hope everything is great down south. I’m sure the State of California is pleased welcome citizens such as yourselves back with open arms.

In honor of our apparent mutual love of felines, I leave you with words of wisdom from days of yore…

“May the wind be at your face and animal shit in front of you.”


Friday, June 5, 2009

Friday Update

The search for the Prius has begun in earnest now. The Beast, God willing, will soon be moving on. A compromise has been struck. When the BMW goes on its merry way next fall, I will be getting an SUV. I have my heart set on a Land Rover, so we shall see.

In recent days, my formerly enjoyable 2 year old has been replaced by a possessed agent from the Dark Side whose mission is to break me. All I can hear in my head is Dr. Evil when his chair goes haywire… “I need a young priest and an old priest. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you.” Today was better, so hopefully the exorcism worked. Just kidding, of course. We haven’t resorted to exorcism...


In other news, my co-worker (who seems to be quite a pot-stirrer) came to me with the same dialogue that she used on my other friend/co-worker. I won't get into detail because, honestly, it's just too complicated. But, basically, I've figured out that she's that type of friend who doesn't want you to be friends with anyone else. You know the kind I'm talking about? Anyhoo, it seems that she's tried to cause problems between myself and another co-worker/friend. She just didn't count on us actually discussing it. Oh well. I'm letting it go. I'm not in junior high and don't want to deal with it.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Perplexed, Confused, and...Betrayed?

What do you do when a friend / co-worker does something that could be a swipe at you, or a third party…or both? I just would have never imagined that she would involve me in something like this so I wonder now…is this something out of character for her…or is it indicative of the kind of person she truly is and I was too naïve to see it?

Am I a bad judge of character? Have I been on the wrong side of things all this time?

This makes me sad.