I never learn

Last night I had pizza.
And, yup, you guessed it.... last night I had a bizarre dream.

I won’t bore you with the details (well, at least not the LOOONG version that I bored Hubby with this morning), but we got invaded by aliens, my mom got P’dO - FYI, that’s my shorthand for pissed off…everyone says PO’d, but NOBODY actually gets “piss offed” so it just doesn’t make sense to say PO’d. Anyhoo, I digress. So, my mom got P’dO because I hadn’t checked in with her (uh, sorry mom, I was trying not to get killed by the 10-foot alien!), Hubby turned out to BE one of the aliens shortly after he turned into Matt LeBlanc (but, bless his heart, even though he was one of them, he still loved me enough to try and save my life). Then I got drunk and hatched a plan with Taylor Swift to escape, go meet up with my parents, sis, BIL and niece and nephew and live in the woods in tents.

But, we got caught trying to escape town. And that’s when I woke up.

I have a theory that the reason Mini wasn’t present in this dream is because the 10-foot alien is symbolic of the temper tantrum monster that has invaded my house for the past three days.

Or maybe it was just the pizza.

Con

- Verb.

1. to swindle; trick: "That crook conned me out of all my savings. "
2. to persuade by deception, cajolery, etc.

I really love getting these emails. I have a lot of fun imagining ways in which I would respond.

From Miss Cindy Abami

01 bp 25687 abobo 03
abidjan,ivory coast

Dearest One,

I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of almighty for you to help me,the almighty will bless and reward you aboundantly and you would never regreat this.I am Miss Cindy Abami, from Sierra Leone, but now in Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire.

I am the only Daughter and child of Engineer Williams Philip Abami and my father was a contractor with ministry of works and housing in Sierra Leone and Cote D'ivoire before he died.My father died in feburay 19 2008 after being involved in a motor accident. Before my father died, my mother had earlier died as a result of Diabetes.

Before my father died in the hospital while taking treatment, he told me that there is Four million two hundred thousand united states dollars(US4,200,000.00) he has in a bank here in Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire. He said that the money was meant for establishing a branch of his business in Abidjan - Ivory Coast.

Though, according to my father he deposited the money in his own name and mentioned me in the documents as the next of kin .Before his death he adviced and instructed me to seek for a trust worthy person abroad who will help me invest and manage this money for me until i am capable to handle it.

Now I have succeeded in locating the bank in Abidjan and also confirmed the fund is in there , most honest and confidentiality.But the bank said from the agreement my father has with the bank that i can only claim the money when i am 25 years. And if i am no t upto that age, i should look for a foreigner who will help me in recieving the money and for investment purposes in his or her country.

Now I am seeking for your assistance to help me transfer out this money out from the bank to your account so that you can be able to manage and invest it in any good business in your country and also help me to move out from here so that I can contiune my education which stopped since my parents death.

I am Waiting anxiously to hear from you so that we can discuss how you can assist me on this as my guradian since it is the only condition that the bank said this my inheritance can be release to me at this my present age or i can wait until i am upto 25 years and above. Thanks for your kind attention and i will appreciate to receive your reply to know if you will be able to help me stand as my guardian for my inheritance be release to me through your kind help.

Please i am willing to give you 15% from the inheritance for standing as my guardian and also know that you are going to manage it for me .

Please i am on my kneels begging you to accept standing as my guradian so that my inheritance be transfer out from here.Please i will like you to send this information to me which will be what i will be presenting to the bank when i hear from you.

1.Your name and your address.
2.Your telephone and fax number
thanks
Miss Cindy Abami

How I would like to reply (only I'm afraid to because Cindy just might be able to figure out where I live...) :

Dear Cindy,

Thanks for writing, it's good to hear from you. I'm really sorry to hear about your father and that you're having so much trouble finding a "guradian" to help you invest your millions. Maybe it's because nobody is sure what a guradian is. Regardless, you should probably know that I'm not really good at making sound decisions regarding investments. I once racked up about $20k in credit card debt buying shit at Target.

If you find someone to help you out, I would really appreciate it if you could pass along their contact information to me. You see, my great-great-great uncle who I've never met before recently sent me a letter to let me know that he's sending me the deed to this really nifty bridge he owns in Brooklyn. Well, I guess technically I own it now. All I had to do was give him my credit card number so he could charge me the $15,000 bridge-deed-processing fee. It sounds fishy, but it's totally legit. Anyhow, I hear there's good money in bridges these days so if you find someone to help you invest your money, I'd like to see if they want to buy my bridge.

Okay, well, take care. I look forward to hearing from you really soon!!

KK

Congrats to Speidi

Or not. Regardless, I'm sure this union will last 4-eva. But it's an excuse to laugh at these.... Eh, screw their wedding. We don't need an excuse to laugh at them....

The first attempt....



Seriously, I can't even watch THIS entire video...



Third time's a charm?



Nope, sorry, you don't get the whole thing. That was just a taste....

Dear Portland Trailblazers,

I'm the first to admit, I'm not a big basketball fan. Nor do I understand phrases like, "Guard the perimeter" or "and one." Actually, I get the "and one" thing. Something to do with making the shot and getting the foul, too.

But, my point is that you've come a long way from being called the Jailblazers. As much as I enjoyed how funny that was, it's much more fun to root for a team of actual good guys (Przybilla, I'm keeping my eye on that temper of yours).

Here's why I'm writing...You need to get out of this whole routine of getting your ass-kicked in order to get fired up and win the following game. Let's just cut that right out, mkay? Cause there's nothing I like more than a Texas team getting beat. I don't care of it's a Chess Team. If they're from Texas, they need a beat down. (To all my Texas Bloggy Buddies...I kid, I kid! I'm an Okie. I have to say things like that.)

Thanks for listening.

SITG

Oy!

Soooo tired today. Co-worker came over last night to do a little work on the new deck and we finished off another bottle of wine while Hubby was at the Rose Garden watching the Blazers beat Houston. I had to settle for watching it on TV.

Hubby took the train home and, when a train ahead of them got slightly derailed (Hubs was slightly intoxicated so I'm not entirely sure that information is correct) their train stalled after sitting on the tracks. He didn't get home until around 11:30, which means I didn't get to sleep until afternoon midnight. Ugh.

Boozed AND tired. Not a good combo for today.

Hubby was the Lucky Seat winner last night at the game and won a two night stay in Lincoln City (on the coast for all you non-OryGone-ians). The lame part of the prize? The Blackout dates are May 15 - September 15. So basically, we can't use it until next fall.

Lame, but still free!!!!

On Guard

Life is feeling really perfect these days.

Could someone give me a heads-up if they see the proverbial shoe about to drop?

Thnx.

Okay, people, it’s finally Friday. Who’s got plans this weekend?!?!

I, for one, will be enjoying the Vitamin D. It’s rainy as shit today (after having great weather yesterday afternoon), but it’s going to be sunny AND in the 70s this weekend. Can’t beat that. Hubby is playing in a golf tourney, so Mini and I will be out cattin’ around. Maybe we’ll keep The Snow Beast – Mini loves when we get to put the top down. His grin gets so huge, that I’m certain one of these days I’ll have to pick bugs out of his teeth.

Last night my co-worker who’s helping us build our new deck, came over for wine, beer and pizza. Hubby drank the beer and co-worker and I finished off a bottle of wine. One of the BIG bottles. We all know that wine does funny things to me. Something you didn’t know? Pizza does funny things to me, too. No, not of the digestive variety.

It gives me Pizza Dreams. Something about the sauce, I suppose – the richness, the sauciness – gives me funky dreams. And we also know that I already have pretty funky dreams without wine – remember The One About Bret? So, last night I dreamed that I had some psychic come to my house to check for ghosts – and then I told her I didn’t want to know if it was haunted.

Side note: I think my house is haunted with a friendly ghost that covered my feet back up last night when I woke up bitching at Hubby for taking all the covers. Seriously. I woke up with cold feet, told Hubby that he stole the blankie, and then I felt the blanket move back over my feet. Hubby didn’t budge. It was trippy.

So, then suddenly I was in a new bedroom in a new house and this place was bitchin’. It was such a huge bedroom that after having lived in this place for over a month we found a whole new section to the bedroom that had ANOTHER bed and a man-cave up in a loft. Then when Hubby decided to climb up to the man cave, the ladder broke because it was just for looks. (The falling thing has a real-life counterpart, but I’ll get to that story in a minute.)

Next thing I know, a family member was confronting everybody about a situation that is going on with my Crazy Cousin. And I LET LOOSE on his azz. Everybody was watching and it was fun. After a little rumble, I finally told him that if he didn’t back off, I was going to punch him in the nutz. And then I looked down and saw a little wet spot on the front of his pants. I was all, “Oh poor wittle thing, did you pee pee in your pants?” He got totally worked over. It was nice. (The pee thing has a real-life counterpart that is connected to the falling thing that I’ll get to shortly).

And that, my friends, is what a combination of wine and pizza does to me. I take things that I discussed during the day or had happen and then turn them into TWISTED dreams.

Now, on to the falling and pee-pee story.

Yesterday, Hubby walked over to my building to meet me for lunch. When he came in the entrance on 5th Avenue, he told me that he had just seen a car drive by with a camera on the front and a Range Rover with a camera crew in front of it. SO FREAKING COOL. So, when we walked around towards the east side of the building, I looked out the doors and saw the same cars on 4th Avenue.

Being the pop-culture whore that I am, I decided that I would forgo lunch in order to see what was going on.

Unfortunately, it lost its luster pretty quickly because I didn’t recognize the driver of the sweet, sweet Caddy and I couldn’t see the actress in the passenger seat. Buuuuuummmmmmer.

So, we went and enjoyed some Taco Salad Thursday at the Café in my building. And then when Hubby left, I went back out on 4th to watch some more.

After I went back to my desk, I checked online to see what is filming here. Two things:
The TNT show Leverage (with Timothy Hutton and the guy that played Lindsay on “Angel”)
….and….
The new Harrison Ford movie with Brendan Fraser and….drum roll please….

FELICITY!!!

Yup, Keri Russell, one of my favorite actresses - who I’m totally, like, BFFs with in my head (me, her and Jennifer Garner) – is filming a movie here. It could have been her in the passenger seat.

But probably not. I heard they also “blew up” a car over on Burnside yesterday and I think that’s more of a “Leverage” thing to do.

So, the falling and peeing portion of the story?

Yesterday on the way home, Hubby told me that he saw them doing some filming out in front of the entrance on 5th. So, he was checking it out as he walked down the steps…

I’m sure you can guess what happened next….

….yup…

He fell. Like, completely crashed out and landed on both knees. At the bottom of the steps, where the last step really isn’t even a step because it’s flush with the sidewalk. In front of a camera crew. I laughed my azz off about it. I told him that was probably going to be their last take of the day, but then they had to re-do it because he fell and ruined the shot.

The peeing part of the story isn’t really a pee story. After I finished laughing at him and empathy embarrassment set in, I told him that falling is SO humiliating I would literally rather piss my pants in front of people and have to walk around in it all day long than fall in front of people.

What about you? What is the most embarrassing thing that you can imagine happening?

Hose, Not Ho's

I just thought you all might like to know a few things…

I wore tights today with my skirt.
I always destroy tights and pantyhose the first time I wear them.
I started out the day with a hole in the butt of my tights.
The hole has gotten progressively larger throughout the day.

Result:
My butt is hanging out the blown-out back of my pantyhose and now I feel like I’m wearing a pair of chaps under my skirt.

This, That, and The Other

This

I love Dane Cook. He is so freaking hysterical. We’re talking make-me-wet-my-pants funny. I haven’t bothered with his movies yet. They look pretty stupid and have gotten bad reviews, so….it’s my belief that some people are better off doing stand up comedy. Anyhoo, the first time I ever saw or heard of him he was on The Tonight Show on, like, Veteran’s Day or something, and he was wearing the uniforms of the different military branches cut and sewn together to make one uniform. His whole spot on Jay was just so darn funny, that I was instantly a fan.

Until this morning. Now, it’s not that I don’t like him anymore. I’m just really, really, really disappointed. I heard on the radio that he’s going to be in P-Town on tour, so Hubby and I thought we’d buy some tickets when we got to work this morning. Uh, no thanks. The CHEAPEST tickets in the house were $30. The Rose Garden ain’t no small place. That’s where the Blazers play the likes of the Lakers and the Britney’s of the world perform. I’m thinking I don’t want to pay $30 to sit in the nosebleed section and watch him on the Jumbotron. Might as well watch him on DVD at home. I suppose if he can sell out at those prices, then I can’t blame him. And he’s funny and all, but we’re not talking about an Eddie Murphy or Robin Williams. Oh, well, what-ev.

That

Last night I watched The First 48. It’s one of my faves. (I’m pretty much an A&E whore.) In case you aren’t familiar, this show follows real detectives in Memphis, Kansas City, Phoenix, Cincinatti, Miami, Minneapolis and Dallas during a homicide investigation, the theory being that if a suspect isn’t identified in the first 48 hours, their chances of solving it decrease dramatically.

Most of the time, it’s punks killing other punks. Losers killing other losers. But some times, it’s someone doing something completely heinous to someone that simply didn’t deserve it or put themselves in a dangerous position. Basically, this guy comes home from work (the late shift) and finds his girlfriend and her 10 year old son dead. The 16 month old daughter that they had together was in her crib unharmed. Turns out, these two teenagers who were friends of the family killed her because she wouldn’t give them the car and then killed her son because they didn’t want any witnesses.

Oh, boy, I cried over that one. Cried and cried and cried. In fact, if I wasn’t at work right now, I’d probably cry a little more. Just thinking about how frightened that little boy must have been made me sick to my stomach. And then reading yesterday about what the horrible things that sick twisted freak-show did to Sandra Cantu before stuffing her in a suitcase… Seriously, it just makes me absolutely ill to think about how much evil there is in the world, and not that I just want to protect my OWN child from it, but that no child should EVER have to experience that sort of fear. And the people that do those things? They just can’t be human, I’d like to think that they are anomalies that don’t have souls.

But I know that isn’t true. That human beings do bad things, and even those who do can be redeemed in the end. It was a criminal who truly BELIEVED in Jesus at the end. Even his own disciples didn’t really BELIEVE they way they were meant to, not until he broke free from the grave.

It was a criminal, who may have done unspeakable things to other people, who believed in the miracle of Jesus AS HE WAS DYING and asked to be remembered in heaven. And what did Jesus tell him? “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in Paradise.” (Luke 23:43).

So, even as I feel all this anger for the people who do these sorts of things, I also know – and HOPE! – that in the end, they are redeemed like the thief on the cross and that I can be redeemed from my hatred.

The Other

Not going to end on a serious note, of course….

This morning on the drive in I decided to start a revolution. See, I was admiring the pretty pink and white blooms on the weeds in the grass and realized…. Exactly WHO decided that weeds were bad and everything else was good? Doesn’t it stand to reason that if something thrives no matter the conditions and can come back despite all the forces against it…isn’t that something we should ADMIRE?!?!

I think God must have been trying to make things easy on us and what do we do? Decide that’s not quite good enough and spend time planting, weeding, watering, fertilizing, transplanting, and potting.

So, I’m beginning the revolution today. I’m not going to fight them anymore. You can join me if you want. If not, feel free to pluck, pull, and prune, while I sit back with an ice cold drink and enjoy my weeds.

The Tax Man Cometh

Yes, the Tax Man Cometh and it looks like he is going to be gracious to us this year. In fact, thanks to our fine CPA, we will actually get money BACK this year. We were bracing ourselves because by Hubby’s math we were going owe, and owe big. I won’t tell you the number because you’d probably wet your pants. And I wouldn’t want to be responsible for that.

Then again…it might be funny…

Nah…I won’t do that to you.

Anyhoo, Hubby told me yesterday that he just can’t figure out how his own calculations were so off. I had to remind him that’s why Chad gets PAID to be a CPA. He can work miracles that we just don’t even realize are there.

So, long story short – The Tax Man Cometh and he’s paying for my new deck. And maybe he’ll take me shopping, too.

Did I tell you about Mini’s new “thing”? Yesterday when I picked him up from daycare, he gave me a little peck on the cheek while I was talking to Laurie. Then he grabbed my face between his cute little hands, stuck out his tongue and tried to kiss me again. WTH? Seriously, where did he learn this?

I know what you’re thinking. And no.

But, talk about embarrassing. And the more I told him to put his tongue back in his mouth, the funnier he thought it was…and tried harder. Two weeks ago, when he kissed my MIL on the cheek, he licked her, too.

Anyone have any experience with a Phase like this?

Here’s hoping that when the Tax Man drops off the check, he takes the Toddler with him.

Happy Easter

Very soon, Mini will get up from his nap and join in the time honored tradition of hunting Easter eggs. At 33, I'm still clueless as to exactly what in the world eggs, sugar and that darn Bunny have to do with Jesus, but I'll go along with it.

This morning we went to service at SW Bible Church. This church sponsors the Wednesday Bible Study that I occasionally attend downtown, so we thought we'd check out the church since I already knew I'd like the pastor.

We dropped Mini off in the nursery, took our numbered plastic badge that matched the one attached to Mini's sweater vest and went to listen to some preachin'. Through the service, I kept watching the electronic signs high on the wall beside the pulpit, hoping that our number wouldn't flash across. Hubby and I were quite relieved to have made it all the way through the service without Mini getting bounced. Yeah, yeah, I know. The kids whose parents had to go get them didn't get kicked out, but Hubby and I prefer to think of it that way. It makes us feel like better parents.

"Oh, sorry. You're kid was number 379, huh? Oh, Mini? He was number 924. They let him stay. Too bad about your kid, though."

Maybe not the best attitude to have after Easter service, but I'm only human...

They Learn Early

I almost forgot to tell you about the Funny Conversation of the Week. Monday morning, Mini was laying (lying? I never know which one to use) on my bed watching Imagination Movers while Hubby and I got ready for work.

There he was propped up on the pillows, one hand up behind his head, and the other down his pants. Al Bundy-style.

It begged the question: "Why do you have your hand down your pants?"

His answer?

"Because I can reach it."

He's two, folks.

I think I have my work cut out for me.

Matthew McConaughey...

...works in my building.

I'm not kidding.

If I could, I'd copy his picture from the company directory so you could see that I'm right.
But that would be weird.

ETA: I just passed "Matthew McConaughey" on the 7th floor.

I think he's following me.

Walking On Sunshine Who-oah!

Just now took a walk to the bank in the sunshine and absorbed some Portland weirdness along with the Vitamin D.

I was walking past the Justice Center toward my bank and I could hear a woman up at the corner just chatting away at a guy waiting to cross going the other direction. He was grinning at her, I assumed they knew each other. Anyway when I got up there, I heard her talking – but not in English. Assuming she was on the phone, I just minded my own bizness.

And then she sneezed and I realized she wasn’t on the phone, but had been talking to herself. This really, really loud sneeze with a huge build-up of the Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah’s before the CHOOOOOOOOOOOO. I turned as I was crossing the street and said “Bless you.” I mean, a sneeze THAT loud has to be acknowledged.

She smiled and then responded to me in Chinese. I mean, really RESPONDED, like I’d said “Bless You” in Chinese to her and chatted away at me like I was her new best friend. Yes, this blond-headed, clearly Caucasian woman was speaking in Chinese, only it’s the kind of “Chinese” you speak with you don’t know a lick of Chinese but are pretending for some reason. She even ended with a “ho ho ho,” like she’d been watching too many old Chinese actors in bad Kung-Fu movies.

Now I know why that guy was grinning at her. I mean, it’s NOTHING to see someone around here talking to their self. But something unique when they do it in another language. Yup, just another Portlander off her meds.

Man, I love this City.

Is This What Spring Is Like?

Oh, man, this weekend was PERFECT. The sun was shining, the breeze was warm, and we actually got to put the top down on the Snow Beast. Mini ate that right up. It was so awesome being able to get outside with him instead of being cooped up indoors for two days, trying to find cre8tive ways to entertain the little booger. But instead, we got outside, planted some new plants, hung out with my MIL, SIL and nephew. What a treat.

My co-worker also came by the house to do some measuring and put stakes in for the addition to our deck! I'm super duper pumped about that because the top part of our lawn is pretty un-useable. And with all the sogginess we get around these parts, it'll be nice to have an alternative to Mini stomping around in the mud.

Other than that, nothing really interesting happened - except for a little scare with our taxes and misplacing some important write-off documents. We found most of it, so I'm hoping the damage won't be too bad come April 15. Wait and see.

Gotta get to work now. Have a glorious day!

To Complain or Not to Complain, That Is The Question

Today I had to do what every woman loves. I got to schedule my yearly “You’re doing things that shouldn’t be done without dinner and drinks first.” Only this time with a new doctor. Yuck. See, I switched healthcare plans and now I have a new one that, for whatever reason, always makes me feel like I’m going to the free clinic. I don’t want to name names, but it rhymes with Paiser Kermanente.

Anyway, I had to leave behind my beloved OB/GYN, Dr. Allison, who saw me through my pregnancy and beyond. Seriously, I loved that woman. She was awesome. But, I put on my Big Girl panties, accepted reality, and did my research. I listed, in order, my preference for which doctors I would like to use through my new healthcare – just in case my first choice wasn’t accepting new patients.

I called and talked to the Appointment Nazi. She was nice enough and explained that they have a “oaieanfafd” policy. I don’t remember what word she used, but basically, there is no limit to the number of patients the doctors see. And then she told me they typically schedule the yearly exams about 4-6 weeks out, which I was expecting. But, my First Choice doctor didn’t have anything available until May 20. By my math, that’s actually about 8 weeks out, so I asked the next logical question… “Okay, well, does Dr. Second Choice have anything a little sooner?”

And she laughed. Seriously. She laughed at me. “HAHAHA. Uh, no, she doesn’t. HAHAHA.” Laughed at me like I was a complete moron for asking a perfectly legitimate question. Or WAS it a stupid question? Is there some way I should have already known the answer? I WISH I had innocently said, “I’m sorry, but did I say something funny?” But I felt too stoooopid to say much more than, “Okay, thanks.”

It is times like this that I wish I were more Suburban Bitch. If I were, I just might have given her a reason to cry instead of laugh. Part of me thinks to myself that I don’t know what her day been like, maybe it’s been a rough one already. But, then right after that, I think to myself…but SHE doesn’t know what my day has been like, either, and clearly that didn’t factor into the way she communicated with me. Why should I give her that same consideration?

Is it possible to turn the other cheek, but still call to complain? If she and I were friends or something, and she had done that, I’d turn the other cheek and move on (and maybe call her a bitch under my breath). But this woman is paid to do a job, and I’m sure Paiser Kermanente wouldn’t want this woman alienating the people that PAY THEIR BILLS.

Ugh. I'm sick with a terrible cold and now I get treated like this? Thanks, lady. Thanks a lot.