Steward for the Something In The Glass household. The interview process will consist only of your demonstrated ability to memorize the following information. All who qualify will be accepted, as many stewards are necessary for successful operation of the Household.
Chain Of Command
Mini is the primary owner/operator of the SITGH. All others are merely assistants. Assistans/Stewards have no power, nor will they ascend to any leadership roles, receive promotions, awards, or raises of any kind, until such time that Mini abdicates his position for the purpose of obtaining higher education.
Example of Essential Functions
All objects in said Household belong to Mini. He will, however, loan items to staff members for brief periods. These objects include, but are not limited to, chairs, remote controls, the washer/dryer, scarves, bras, and entire rooms.
Mini will make demands for loaned items to be returned in the following manner:
I want (insert object here). I wanit, I wanit, I wanit.
Should the Mini be denied any particular object he desires (knives, tape, Mop-N-Glo, cat litter), he will confirm that he does not like anything (presented for the purpose of diverting his attention), demonstrated as follows:
“No, Mini, you can’t have (insert object from above here). But, look, here’s (choose object from list below).”*
“Your Thomas train!”
“Your Rudolph book!”
“Your Car Park!”
“Chicken Dance Elmo!”
The object will be bluntly rejected with this statement:
“No! I don’t wike it.” Emphasis for this statement will be provided by a thrusting of the left arm forward, as to push object away. Proximity of Mini to the object is not a factor. Contact with said object is not necessary for rejection to be complete.
Please note: Mini will determine that he does indeed wike the originally rejected item when it is removed from his presence. He will then issue a statement which is akin to “Uhhh. Uhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” This is usually accompanied by prostrating himself in grief, face down on the floor and/or with kicking of the feet.
The seizure-like episode is relieved once the rejected item is provided to Mini.
*During the Christmas season, Mini may be bribed with Santa. This tactic is not always successful.
To Apply for this Position
If you have direct experience in the stewardship of a similar operation, you may forward your resume to firstname.lastname@example.org
This position is to be filled immediately. No salary provided. This is non-negotiable.