DFU

I’ve found a new way to amuse myself while at work. And this entertainment leads to the sort of laughter that you try to hold in, which makes it even worse. Oh, and it also proves that I occasionally I have the maturity of a 12 year old boy.

You may or may not know that I work in a cubicle environment (or perhaps I should call it a poop-icle environment). I happen to have a co-worker who farts. ALL THE TIME. At least once a day. At first I thought I was just hearing things, but now it comes with such frequency that there’s no way it can be explained by an unfortunate dragging of a chair. And there’s no way it can be her heel dragging on the carpet – she wears orthopedic shoes and they just don’t sound like that. Fortunately, the aroma either doesn’t exist or evaporates before it crosses the aisle.

Seriously, who does this? Does she not feel it? Or hear it?

Or does she have some sort of medical condition, thereby making me a huge a-hole for laughing about it?

Regardless, I’ve started alerting some of my co-workers who are of humorous persuasion similar to mine via the DFU…the Daily Flatulence Update. Names are being withheld to protect the noisy.

On a side note, Mini’s trip to the doctor went very well. Still at the 25th percentile on weight and height, but the 90th on head circumference. Just like his momma and nanny. The Big Ole Oprah Winfrey Head, as my mom calls it.

Okay, back to work.

Dr. Death

Dear Dr. B -

I just wanted to let you know that Mini will be coming in today. I'm not sure if you remember him very well, he's only been to you once before, but he screamed like he was being interrogated at Gitmo. Yeah, you remember him now, don't you?

Sorry. We're back for more.

It might help if you do the little game again with your stethoscope. He seemed placated by the thought of you using it to look for Elmo. Stickers also help afterward. Feel free to pass that on to your nurse since she is the sticker Nazi.

I don't want you to think that this is anything personal. He loved his old Dr. B, too...until we went in to have a cough checked out and he ended up with 3 stitches on his forehead after tripping and hitting the examination table. That kind of ended it for him. It was over a year ago, but trust me, that head injury wasn't significant enough to affect his memory. He remembers. Oh, yes, he remembers.

We'll be there at 2:50.

Sincerely,
K.

PS. You might want to call in extra staff members.

White Christmas

Looks to be a white christmas for the Something in the Glass household.

Been outside with the neighbors all afternoon, sledding down our very steep driveway in our very deep snow.

Haven't worked since Friday, and probably won't work again until Monday.

Couldn't have asked for a better Christmas present.

...except for that Kate Spade bag sitting under the tree....

Oh Dear Lord

Still snowing.

And very hungover.

I LOVE WEEKENDS!!!!

So, this is almost our one week anniversary of snow, and it's STILL a frigging blizzard outside. But that's okay, because my neighbor's teenager is babysitting (and I just got Mini to sleep) and I'm going back to neighbor's house to continue with the wine drinking.

I'd write more, but I'm in a bit of a booze-fog. Woo-Hoo!!!!!

Hmmm....

So, my last post really got me thinking. I am a pretty realistic and logical person. But occasionally, the real world bleeds into my comfortable little existence.

Part wants to believe that when I gave that woman my box of granola bars the day before Thanksgiving, the gratefulness she showed me was the same as it would have been if I had given her the $3 I’d spent on them. It’s the same part of me that wants to believe that when I smile and say hi to the guy that stands at the corner of my building selling Street Roots that it might have just made his day because most days, people just don’t see him. And it’s the part of me that wants to believe that by spending an insignificant amount of money, that I might just make some kid I don’t know really, really happy at Christmas, when otherwise he might not be.

The realist and the believer are in constant conflict with one another. It makes me wonder…

Is convincing myself that I’ve helped someone truly in need just my way of soothing my own guilt about taking things for granted?
Is having faith in other people the adult version of believing (or not believing) in Santa Claus?

And either way, does it really matter?

(Please note: Debbie Downer has been exorcised from this Bummer Free Blog. This is not intended to be depressing… Just thinking out loud, I guess.)

Debbie Downer Be Gone!!

Those trees always make me sad. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones with all the tags on them with lists of gifts for a little boy or little girl. We picked one up today at our bank. I wanted to take all of them and buy everything single thing on every single list. But, instead, we picked a little boy the same age as Mini.

I always get sad thinking about the kids who see other kids so excited about Christmas but who may not get gifts themselves. And the parents who would love nothing more than to have the luxury of buying gifts…instead of choosing to put food on the table or keeping the electricity on.

It’s sad to think that the one time of year that should be about giving (of yourself, not just of gifts), is also the one time of year that makes it all more obvious that there are haves and have-nots… and that I routinely forget to be grateful about which side of the line I’m one.

You can thank me later for being Debbie Downer.
From now on, I'm declaring this a Bummer Free Zone.

Oh Dear

Seems like I severely underestimated the weather forecast. Why wouldn't I? They cry wolf all the time. Thank goodness I went to the grocery store on Friday....Just. In. Case. I've been stuck inside since Saturday night. It's cold. It's icy. It's snowy. Usually I love this sort of weather, but not when jailed with a toddler.

On the positive tip, I was able to finish New Moon after finishing Twilight several months ago. I must say, I enjoyed it much more than Twilight. Now, I know this won't win me any fans, but....it's because I prefer Jacob to Edward. Period.

That is all.

Out of Work? Look No Further!!

Wanted
Steward for the Something In The Glass household. The interview process will consist only of your demonstrated ability to memorize the following information. All who qualify will be accepted, as many stewards are necessary for successful operation of the Household.

Chain Of Command
Mini is the primary owner/operator of the SITGH. All others are merely assistants. Assistans/Stewards have no power, nor will they ascend to any leadership roles, receive promotions, awards, or raises of any kind, until such time that Mini abdicates his position for the purpose of obtaining higher education.

Example of Essential Functions
All objects in said Household belong to Mini. He will, however, loan items to staff members for brief periods. These objects include, but are not limited to, chairs, remote controls, the washer/dryer, scarves, bras, and entire rooms.

Mini will make demands for loaned items to be returned in the following manner:

I want (insert object here). I wanit, I wanit, I wanit.

Should the Mini be denied any particular object he desires (knives, tape, Mop-N-Glo, cat litter), he will confirm that he does not like anything (presented for the purpose of diverting his attention), demonstrated as follows:

“No, Mini, you can’t have (insert object from above here). But, look, here’s (choose object from list below).”*

“Your Thomas train!”
“Your Rudolph book!”
“Your Car Park!”
“Chicken Dance Elmo!”
“Your crayons!”
“Your farm!”

The object will be bluntly rejected with this statement:

“No! I don’t wike it.” Emphasis for this statement will be provided by a thrusting of the left arm forward, as to push object away. Proximity of Mini to the object is not a factor. Contact with said object is not necessary for rejection to be complete.

Please note: Mini will determine that he does indeed wike the originally rejected item when it is removed from his presence. He will then issue a statement which is akin to “Uhhh. Uhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” This is usually accompanied by prostrating himself in grief, face down on the floor and/or with kicking of the feet.

The seizure-like episode is relieved once the rejected item is provided to Mini.

*During the Christmas season, Mini may be bribed with Santa. This tactic is not always successful.

To Apply for this Position
If you have direct experience in the stewardship of a similar operation, you may forward your resume to theglasshassomethinginit@gmail.com

This position is to be filled immediately. No salary provided. This is non-negotiable.

I think I have Narcolepsy

What is my problem? The short answer is I have a 2 yr old, about a 45 minute commute to and from work, and I get up between 5:15 and 5:30 every week day.

But, it’s causing me REAL problems. One in particular.

I can’t seem to stay awake for Ghosthunters. As you well know from blogs past, I’m a reality tv whore. And Ghosthunters is the pinnacle for me. I have a huge crush on Steve Gonsalvez and minor crushes on Jason and Grant. (Notsomuch on Steve Tango, but I’d hang out with him if it got me closer to the other guys.)

We got home late last night after being at the MIL’s house for pizza with my SIL and two of her kids. Mini went straight to bed and I sat upstairs in the office playing Majhongg (or however the heck you spell it) until I was sure he wouldn’t start crying for me once I got downstairs. By the time I got my face washed and had changed into my jimmies (I call them jammies, but spellcheck doesn’t agree), it was already ten after nine. I’m okay with that because usually the first 10 of Ghosthunters is just about them touring the place and setting up their equipment.

What I’m NOT okay with is the fact that I wait all week to watch this show, only to fall asleep at 9:35. It’s not FAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIRRRR. It happens EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK.

Seriously, I fall asleep before blue hairs have time to make it back to the retirement home after the 4pm Senior Special at Denny’s. Maybe I should start eating crack for dinner so I can stay awake.

I’d prefer to avoid drug addiction, so if anyone knows of any alternatives…I’m all ears.

Starting Over

Here we are again. Significant reservations are ever-present with regards to blogging, given my recent experiences with it. But, I keep reminding myself…I’m a good person.

I actually keep reminding myself something completely different, but don’t feel comfortable putting it in writing. I guess my only issue now is with censoring myself.

Occasionally when things get rough or people begin questioning the kind of person you are without really knowing you, it’s easy to get sour and see the bad instead of the good - in yourself and in others. But, I don’t plan on letting that happen. I’m going to continue on with my own philosophy of life – the glass isn’t half full or half empty.

…So…

Drink it.

Pour it out.

Fill it to the brim.

But, don’t take for granted the fact that there’s something in the glass.